My life is crazy-ish right now. It's been wayyy too long since I've been on here which is entirely my fault, one because I've had a brain block and had no words come to my mind, two, becasue I was stalling and procrastinating on my housework that I had to do before being allowed to place my fingers on a keyboard for any reason whatsoever, and three, my mood was too messed up, which definitely made words hard to come by.

But here I am and I have things to tell thank goodness.

• So as of September 14th, I am back on an anti-depressant. I haven't been on one since April which is amazing. Until April, I had been on an anti-depressant of some kind since I was 13. I was so happy to be one less medication, and even more so that it was the anti-depressant. But by this time, I know my body, I know my feelings and I know when something needs to change. So when I started feeling very depressed and that feeling "there's no way out", and when being awake sucks and being asleep sucks, that something's gotta give. I knew I needed to go back on an anti-depressant no matter how much I didn't want to. Now, I would never ever EVER attempt to commit suicide. One, I could never hurt my family that much. Under no circumstances would that be worth the pain they would feel. Two, I know what the Bible says about suicide and I'm not interested in losing my salvation. Three, that's so dramatic. I mean seriously. I'm currently taking 10 milligrams of Lexapro (I've been on this one before) a day, but I think the dosage is being bumped up to 15 milligrams. I feel alot better on it.
• I'm applying for jobs! I applied to Chunky's in Pelham and Pac Sun and DEB in the mall. The manager at Pac Sun, Kim, looked over my application right when I handed it in, said she would DEFINITELY call me and if she doesn't call me by this Friday at 5 p.m. that she wants me to call her at the store. I got a 5 minute mini job interview right there. It felt really good. I hope I get the job.
• Sophie and I got our new cell phones for our birthdays! Sophie chose the blue EnV 3 and I chose the red EnV 3. Daddy also let us each pick a case from the kiosk in the mall too. It was alot of fun. Mum told me after that I am "very technology savvy". Which is true, I know alot about things, and especially cell phones because I didn't want ANY trouble with them and the purchasing, etc. I knew more then Dad did, which was hard becasue he was the one in charge and I couldn't always get a word in edgewise. He's a big talker. That was a really great night, getting our new phones, which we both adore. I discovered oour phones can have cell phone charms, a feature the first EnV lacked and that I'd wanted. So I started making charms out of earring pendants, necklace pendants, charm bracelet charms, anything that I liked and wasn't tacky. Which is how alot of the charms you can buy in a store are. Tacky.
• I'm driving alot, as much as I possibly can. I hope I can go for my license soon. I need to study the book more. I hate studying. I'm awful at it. I also want to nail my parking skills and tone down my slightly cocky driving air because I know the driving instructing people look for a cautious driver. So I'm trying to learn that. I think it's called modesty and humility. My grandmother told me yesterday she thinks women in general are just not good at parking. Which of course, made me even more determined to be the best parker I can possibly be.
• I want to get my GED. I'm just not ready yet. I know that I want to go to school for journalism and auto mechanics, but if I don't have my GED I know I can't go to school. I'm going to start studying that stupid book with Mum, and hopefully Kevin too. He's getting his GED too.
• Kevin... Kevin is the boy I'm dating right now. I like him =) He's a very sweet boy. He's 19, he's 5 months older then me, and he's pretty crazy about me. I think it's going to work out. I know we're taking it slow. And I really truly mean slow this time. I've failed with slow in my past relationships, and if Kevin and I are right and this is going to turn into a relationship, we want it to be right. So we're taking it slow. Our dates have been going to Denny's, out to eat and a PHS football game, we watch House at my house (which we're going to do today!), he took me to do my errands last week, we saw the Invention of Lying (GREAT movie, filmed in my hometown, Lowell, MA in the spring of 2008!! And I'm one of the um... one people that know that, from what I've experienced) on Saturday...I'm really having a lot of fun with him. I really do like him and he is a gentleman which I'm including here for my mom and Mia's benefit.
• I'm really close with Matt =) He's one of my best friends, really truly. I want to be 90 and 92 (I'm older) and in an old peoples home together. He's the best. I can and do, talk with him all day long. I have so many memorable quotes and conversations, in my phone, e-mailed to me, on facebook... I love that guy.

I want to get married. I want to fall in love with a guy who I will marry. I don't like dating, I don't like short term relationships, and a relationship not heading towards or leading to marriage is a short term relationship whether its 5 months or 5 years. Its not JUST a piece of paper. That piece of paper means there is no walking away. Take away that piece of paper and you can leave and that's it. Let me pack up and I'm gone. A piece of paper means there are ties. Bonds. Links. A relationship can be ended because someone cheated. A marriage can be ended because someone cheated. The difference is the relationship can be cut instantly. The marriage will take longer because that piece of paper is a link, a bond, the hot iron branding a lamb. Its not just a piece of paper and damn it, I want mine. I want a piece of paper. I want to BELONG. I want the guy I'll share rings and papers with, a shared last name, a bed, fights, making up, breakfast, lunch and dinner, babies, grandchildren, my life with. I want mine. I'm not rushing it, I'm not going to look because that backfires. Guys are supposed to find me and I'm damned if I know why. Stupid chase. But it hurts to watch and think, when me, when me. Sometimes I want to give up, others I think I'm only 19, how can I feel so alone already. Because I see it around me. I see it all around me. In my two best friends, in my parents who have been married for 25 years in November and who are the definition of "til death do us part".

I want my forever love. And it's not too much to ask.

I'm glad I'm not a stereotype. I'm such a mix of everything, but it blends. I'm not being self-absorbed I guess the word is, I'm just considering myself and what I like and don't like. You can't say I'm a girlygirl because I love to pain a room, be a grease monkey (not quite so Megan Fox-Transformers-esque though), wear boys shirts and play basketball with them (boys). But you can't say I'm a tomboy because I'll spend a half hour on an outfit, change three times, take forever to get ready (my internal clock and speedometer are worth shit), and have a lip gloss stashed somewhere on or around my person. I'm a perfectionist but I never follow a recipe to the letter and measure anything. My bulletin board has a collage of things on it but it's completely organized. I love color but I often find myself in black or white. I wear chucks or my a.e. sneakers but I'm in love with boots of all heights. I'm incapable of choosing between sweet, sour, salty and spicy. How is only one possible? I have very little self control but when the situation calls for it can bite my tongue for years, stop biting my nails over lent, not eat candy for months and do everything Mia says to do. I love the idea, essence, image, smell of coffee but I think it is atrocious to drink. Brownies are the best thing in the world and I know a good one from a bad one...like coffee people I guess. Starbucks and Barnes & Nobles have amazing brownies, Market Basket has brownie bites that I can eat a dozen of it once, and box mixes need to be chosen CAREFULLY. My self-esteem and body image will be high on Monday and nosedive on Tuesday. I love flowers but have no patience for dirt, plants and ughhh insects. Hats are my favorite thing but I'm never sure if it looks good. I have no basic mat skills, flunked Algebra I three times, but birthdays, and phone numbers and all crazy little details are engraved into my head. That's enough. But I'm not a stereotype and I'd had to be one. If I can be different and unique, but not fake and pretending, then I do it. Hearing someone say "You're different/unique/one of a kind" is in my top three favorite compliments, intentional or unintentional, as long as it isn't being said in a mean way.

So when I got the text from Blogspot last night saying "Success! Your mobile post has updated, blah blah blah" I was pleased because the text had been longer than the standard 160 character limit. Lo and behold, the text I sent was turned into very angry looking gibberish, and TWO posts. Well then.

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What I had sent was this:

I will wait, I won't chase, you will lead, I won't faze, hey let go, no hold tight, please don't ever forget to say goodnight, you are my all, and I am yours, I will wait when you hesitate and let you catch me when I fall, where you begin, I end, as when I begin you end, we are one.

I just was thinking last night and randomly I came up with this.

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So, me, depressed. I don't know how much to say. I don't actually know WHAT to say about it.

I have no job. No money. No drivers license. No car. No GED.

No life.

Yeah, I'm depressed.

Mary appointment on Monday at 9:15 am. A whole 45 minutes to 1 hour. I'm so grateful for that.

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I'm doing housework for Mum lately. Why not, she's my mom? Wow. I'm so depressed, I'm doing chores so I have something to do. So I have some small feeling of being useful? I don't know. I really hate these feelings.

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I've been wearing my glasses. Don't know why. I don't know why about a lot of things right now.

Ok then, I'm done for tonight because I'm unable

Daddy asked me to print out the full version of my article to the Sun so he could bring it to work and show to some people there who he'd told about it and "were interested". I'm so excited.

Ughhh I can't concentrate!! I'll have to write later.

School sucks. I'm less than 6 weeks away from turning 19 years old. I've been in school/having trouble with school for 13, 14 years. I hate it. I wish, I want so horribly much to be done with school. No school. And now in 2 weeks I'm taking my GED test. Oh God, why am I doing it? WHY? I don't want it. The thought of it makes me cry. Really cry. I don't want more school! I don't want to take a 9 and a half hour test spread out over two days. I don't want to ever have to worry about grades or tests or anything. God I hate it, oh I hate it so much. I don't care about graduating. I hear about friends going to college, finishing high school, knowing what the hell they're doing. Part of me gets jealous. But a bigger part is saying Why? Its not my thing. Its not what I want. I don't know why its not what I want. Yet, I'm still planning on taking that stupid horrible fucking test.

Because I'm tired of trying to make

"I haven't graduated yet"

"No, I don't know what I want yet"

"Oh, I'm not in school right now"

those and more, I'm so tired of trying to make my life sound better for everyone else.

It hurts. It sucks. Its so fucking hard.

There's so much pressure. So much pressure.

What if I'm not ready? What if I'm never ready?

This isn't me being lazy no matter what anyone thinks. I just hate school, I hate it, it scares me. In my mind its not worth it.

So why am I going to make myself miserable on September 21st and 22nd? And I guess for a long long time because the next step is that I'll be going to college for something.

I'm tired of the questions. I'm tired of the reproval. I'm tired of the looks. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible, worthless, stupid person.

How much more can I take?

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel smart enough. I don't have anything to believe in.

I'm doing this because I can't take everyone else anymore.

I'm sitting here typing this and there are tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping off my face.

School made me suicidal in the past. I'm already starting to feel like maybe its better off that I should not be alive because I can't do it right and I can't please them and I hate it so much. I can't live up to their expectations and it just makes me want to die.

I want it to be over.

I want it stop.

And because its not going to be over and I can't make it stop, I want to make me stop. I want to make me be over.

God help me, I am sinking again and I want to let myself drown.

So today was Mia's graduation party. It was a lot of fun actually. I wasn't expecting it to be. How bad is that? I hate parties. I hate socializing. I hate people. And I had fun . The first 10 minutes I had my usual mental thing of ooh I need to relax and I'm sooo not relaxed. Then the McDonoughs (minus Joshua) and Tony showed up and I started to feel better. Sophie and I sat with Kels, Tony and Tom for most of the afternoon and talked with them. Sophie listened a lot. It was a good time.

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I told Asa today it was over. I wish I had a more definitive term because "it" feels like a romantic implication. Here's the story: Asa and I could out of some bizarre happenstance someday be together. We've been trying to be friends, learning how to be friends for a couple months. He moved to fucking stupid Minnesota. Ok, fine, move 1,6384.5 miles away. That's something we could and were dealing with. The wrench in the situation? Drinking. Drugs. I don't care if he's in college. He's 19, that's underage. He doesn't have to follow the crowd. He doesn't have to do illegal shit because oh he's in college and he can. Friday night he got drunk and got high. I told him that night if he wants to do that stuff that is his decision. Part two of what I told him is that if he does decide to do all that, then I'm gone. One thing he wanted to try or consider a few months ago was a metaphorical delete button. Try to erase each other from our lives, just get rid of each other. We vetoed that in the end and have been friends. Maybe more. Well, not more right now. I told him that if he did decide to drink and get high and all that bullshit then I would be the one to erase him. I told him that I would be the one to drop off the face of his world if he decided to do it all.

Last night he drank. I don't know how much, but he did. He told me before he did last night that he was turning his phone off so that he or anyone else drunk would text me. He texted me this morning briefly about last night. My reply? "Good for you, have fun with that. I'm done." Then I went on the computer and blocked his number, deleted his number from my phone and all text messages, blocked him on Twitter...anything I could think of to make sure he can't contact me, I did.

I won't be with a guy who drinks and/or gets high. Why? Its in my family history. Alcoholism and drug abuse, all in my family. I've been with a guy who did drugs. SOLD drugs. Ended that pretty fast, but not because of the drugs in the end. Anyway.

Guys who drink and drive, guys who drink underage, guys who drink too much, guys who drink too often.

Those guys aren't my guys. Nope not gonna happen.

I'm done dealing with that. I can't be with a guy who wants to drink like that. Its not something I can accept.

I can't be with a guy like that. I can't.

I'm considering the idea I might be single for awhile. Because in my short experience in the last mm, 10 months, the guys I've come in contact with drink. They drink. Ok fine, you're legal you just turned 21, you're 22, you're 23 you're freaking 26, I don't care. If you drink a lot, drink often, drink until you do stupid things, then I am done. Totally done. Goodbye.

So yeah, guess what.

Goodbye.

Day Five/Home: 09/03/09

1:15 pm

I don't remember what I blogged yesterday. Well the family went to Animal Kingdom and Downtown Disney Shopping village. I stayed at the hotel. I rested, read my books, got food at the caf, packed, and organized all that. They came back; we packed more, settled in for the night. I was horribly awakened at 3:45 am, dozed until 3:54 am when my foot was shaken and I was firmly told to GET UP. Got ready, left the suite at 4:39 am. The Disney Magical Express airport shuttle bus arrived about 4:50-4:55 am. It was NOT magical. Two stops after picking us up, & a 40 minute ride to the airport. The bus played music from some of the rides at the parks. It SUCKED. I was so thankful to own an iPod. We got to the airport about 5:45 & checked our bags. We headed to the restrooms and then to Starbucks. Tazo Tea: Sweetened Shaken Iced Tea Passion Lemonade. And an espresso brownie. I discovered I lost the tie-belt to my favorite sweater while we were at Starbucks. I was so upset, still am. Gracie claimed she saw it in the restroom but didn't realize it was mine (I wonder so often, Where is her head?? But I know I'm like that too and our dad. ADHD/ADD is NOT cool). She ran back to look. She didn't find it sadly, so I went and found the sweetest friendliest most cheerful janitor to ask where the lost and found was. I loved him. His English was not impressive but he was so sweet. Mum and I headed over to the lost and found. They didn't open until 7. I wrote down the number & email. I still have to call them. I'm going to ASAP. We went through security after waiting for the 11-year-old to go to the ladies' AGAIN. We got to our gate and boarded in about 10 minutes. I closed my eyes and had my hands over my face when we went up. I hate flying and I hate heights. I read my book during the flight and it was somewhat enjoyable. The flight that is, my book is great. As soon as the seat belt light clicked on, and the captain told us we were beginning our descent, my stomach nose dived. Nauseous for the rest of the flight. I wasn't ok until I got to baggage claim. We got off the plane and I went down there while everyone else hit the restrooms. I'd gotten three of our bags by the time they got there. We got our bags, Daddy picked up the car, and we went HOME. My nervous-anxiety-OCD kicked in and I was in a mad rush to unpack and organize and clean. Like panic attack, freaking out, I couldn't handle it not being all taken care of. So I did. We were home about 11:15 and I was unpacked by 12:45. And that’s entirely unpacked. Toiletries, clothes, shoes, carry on, everything. I'm folding the laundry now and I have 5 days worth of newspapers to read. It’s so amazing to be home. I'm so tired. I have things to do though. Goodbye Florida. ...Hello my home in New Hampshire.

I messed up this post somehow. Don't know how. Not pleased.

Day Three: 09/01/09

5:56 pm

Yesterday was the Magic Kingdom. Mum, me, S & G went early-ish and did a bunch of things. Sorry, I'm exhausted. I'll list what we did later or something.

We came back here about 2 pm and rested, had some food then went back with Daddy this time. We did more things. About 5:30 ish the thunder and lightning started. I don't remember when it started to pour but I know we were all in the gift shop for Pirates of the Caribbean right after that ride (awesome ride btw). It was raining for about 4 hours. Alot of people including us hide in shops and shows, on rides, under awnings...Sophie put on a poncho and braved the torrents after about 20 minutes. Us ladies put on ponchos too and followed her after she came back from scouting. Dad opted to stay there, positive it would "let up in about 10 minutes". He was very very wrong. The four of us (Mum, me, Soph and Grace) kept going and made it back to Main St. and went shopping. We're women, it’s what we do. He caught up with us eventually (still pouring) and eventually we went over to Tony & Ann's for dinner. Every place there was packed. Didn't matter if it was food, a shop, a ride, a place with a roof meant there was a mob. T&A's was freezing. Sophie & I were absolutely frozen. Food was good. These restaurants need a better selection for real. I had gelato for dessert. Amazing!! We watched the parade afterwards then headed back to the hotel on a bus. My sneakers had been soaked through for a good two hours. I was miserable. When we got back and I took off my shoes and socks my poor little feet were just so cold. And wet. My socks were soaked; I had to dry off my feet. This morning my sneakers were still wet so I wore my flip-flops.

Today was Epcot. The five of us left here by 11 and my family is actually still there. I left about 4 pm, after we'd gone through all the Countries. The Countries are what I love at Epcot. After those, I was done. I'm realizing that all signs (this vacation & the Cape in June) point to me not able to handle vacations. Trips away, maybe just with my family or maybe trips in general. All I know is I am stressed, and worried, on edge, irritable, and more right now than at home. I'm trying to have fun. But I can't relax. I am completely unable to relax. I feel like my entire person is wound up and I can't release it. How horrible is it that I'm homesick? I do love Disney World but all I want to do is go home. I'm thankful we're here and are blessed to be able to come but I’m done. I can’t handle it much more. I just miss home and everyone who’s there so so much.

Day One - 08/30/09

12:37 pm

So I'm in Orlando, on the Disney Resort Magical Express shuttle/bus service. I'm very tired and hungry. This bus has adjustable foot rests though. My 5 foot tall body is very thankful. My feet are dangling a good six inches off the floor otherwise. I'll have pics up on Facebook when we get home I think. Lots of stops, but ours is next, All-Star Music Resort!

10:23 pm

Long day. Long day. I was very stressed out towards the end, I took off my rings to apply sunblock and when I went to put them back on, my wedding ring from Mia was gone. I was in the food court at that point so I went back up to the suite and searches. Then called my mum in tears because that was just the last straw. I was mentally, physically, emotionally unable to handle anything else especially losing my wedding band. I was sitting on my chair-soon-to-be-pulled-out-bed-evil-army-cot waiting for her to get up there because she was coming for Sophie's sunglasses. I go to put my other rings back on. My wedding ring was stuck inside my spoon ring. I burst into tears all over again. The family went out to MGM, and I stayed there at the suite resting. I was just done. Could. Not. Cope. Now its 10:30 and I've got a double cheeseburger and a milkshake and I'm about to go to sleep and wake up at 7 am so we can be at the Magic Kingdom when it opens at 9.

Ok, I'm exhausted. Like I feel like falling asleep right now.

I woke up this morning and found a ladybug about a foot away from my face. Now, I couldn't see it because I'm blind without my contacts, so I moved closer and upon seeing what the moving thing was, flicked it away. If I'd had the presence of mind at that moment I could have squished it or rescued it or something. Nope, I didn't have presence of mind and flicked the darn thing away from me.

I got up and upon walking to the bathroom, I walk into the corner of it, on the crown molded woodwork around the door. Ouch.

Somehow I was in a good mood because none of this upset me. It kind of made me laugh but I might have been slightly loopy from lingering sleepiness and a knock on the head.

Got ready, and went out with Mum and Grace. We went to Tyngsboro to pick up Gracie's glasses, then we went across the street/D.W. to the Pheasant Lane Mall to go to Target. I needed a bag for our trip and I don't remember what Mum and Grace were getting.

Our last stop was CVS for me, and Best Buy next door to look for a camera case for Grace.

I had great success at CVS (I was worried I wouldn't find what I needed) and they found a camera case while I was in CVS. The one thing I forgot was Lactaid pills. Goshdarn, this is a problem.

We came home and I ate quickly and then went to the dentists' office. All went well there, made future appointments and came home.

I've been packing, cleaning, organizing, etc. I finished hanging up some wall things that were taken down when my room was being painted, I sorted out a few cluttered junk filled areas. I'm working on an ongoing project I have.

I had to stop when my grandmother came over and be "social". I don't like that. I repaired a bag that had a damaged strap while we were eating. We had dinner, chit-chatted, etc. I did some dishes and cleaned up the table and island for my mom after.

She went home and I did something after that I have no idea what it was and now I'm blogging because I didn't get to again yesterday and I don't know what will be going on tomorrow. I know that I don't think I'll be on the computer again tonight however because I am so freaking tired!!

I'm going to play with the BumperSticker app on facebook for a little while because I've been consolidating all the ones with phrases/sayings/quotes that fit with me/my life/personality for my blog.

Then I'm going to get off the computer and go to my room and work on my project and eventually, hopefully not too too late;

Go. To. Sleep.

This is what I forgot to post about and even wrote a post to myself not to forget and I still forgot.
You can see how my brain functions. In waves. One minute I'm up the next I'm down. Another metaphor is a roller coaster. I've known that I have this fear and that it is somewhat crippling, but sometimes you don't realize how serious it is, or how much you really fear it until something happens or some little tiny thing in your head clicks and it’s like "WHOA". I'd say mine was the click.

I'm scared of the dark. Terrified. I've always known I hated it, that I didn't like to be alone in it. For the most part I can't fall asleep with a single crack of light though.

One of the worst is the moon. I'd be happy if the moon never came out because it makes it impossible to sleep.

Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking about the other night but somehow I started to think about how I'm scared of the dark. And my thoughts started journeying back to when I was very young and I remember how terrified I was of the dark then and how not much has changed other than I learned to hide it more and steel myself when I have to go into the dark.

But I hate it. I hate having to going into the dark and grit my teeth all the while my heart is pounding in my chest and I’m struggling to breathe correctly.

I remember being little and having a nightlight. I think we had one in our (Sophie and mine) room and then one outside in the hall. I think that’s what we did.

I remember not being able to fall asleep alot of the time. That was partly due to my fear of the dark and probably partly due to my ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, both undiagnosed at the time. Almost every night one of my parents would sit out in the hall until we fell asleep or they were starting to doze off. I never understood how they were able to fall asleep so easily.

I have memories of my mom falling asleep when she'd be rubbing my back trying to help ME fall asleep and that I'd have to send her to bed. Eventually I stopped asking her to rub my back, for a few reasons. I knew she'd fall asleep and that it wouldn't help me relax.

I don't remember when we stopped using a nightlight. I think it was when I couldn't relax with it on anymore and when I decided I was too old to have one. I know I and Soph had moved into the other room at the front of the house and let baby Grace have the room we'd been in for the last three years. Sometime after switching rooms the nightlight was put away. I don't remember if Gracie ever used one. Probably.

When I was younger, I had nightmares. NO, night terrors. There were about three and they always repeated themselves. I remember them so clearly. I don’t eve know how I would explain them because they don't make any logical sense, but then how does any nightmare or dream make perfect sense all the time?

I remember I'd sometimes wakeup crying. I don't know if I ever woke up screaming. I wouldn't doubt it, but I'll have to see if my mom remembers. She wasn't the easiest person to wake up.

When I needed her at night, like if I woke up, I wouldn't be able to move. If the house ever caught on fire and I was the only one awake I'm not sure if I'd have been able to move because the dark would be the fear that won.

I'd wake up and stay exactly where I was, almost not daring to breathe, but my eyes darting everywhere. I'd lay in bed trying to get the nerve to call for her. If I was eventually able to do that, I'd be unable to make my voice go very high. It was too loud in a dark quiet house and I'd quake every time I had to yell "Mummy!". If she woke up, and came all was well. If she didn't wake up, I'd been in bed hoping and praying I could make myself get up. Usually I forced myself at some point, which adds to the reason I can do that now, because I had to force myself then so now I can force myself now.

I'd get up and race for my parents’ bed. There room was a 4 second walk from our door to theirs but I ran from my bed to theirs in under 6. I was always scared to death.

It’s worse in some ways now because we have pets. Maggie sleeps in her crate, but the two cats wander freely. I can't see them if its dark and I hate walking in the house at night for any reason because I can't turn the lights on or I can't turn them on fast enough for comfort. The lights could be on throughout the whole downstairs but if its late and everyone is asleep I'm scared still.

I figured and remembered all this the other night, Tuesday I believe and I told my mom that day. I asked for nightlights. She found one which makes it a bit easier. But I want them scattered throughout the house. I'm a late night snacker. I get hungry frequently. It's the hardest thing in the world to go downstairs and grab something to eat.

Our girls' bathroom is two, maybe three steps from my door and my heart is pounding by the time I've closed the door behind me. When I open it to go back to my room I'm always scared I'll open it to find a cat because I know I'll jump and make some loud noise either from my voice or just bumping something.

I fell asleep with the nightlight on in my room last night. It was good.

I realized something really sad and also bad. I can't ever move out and live on my own. I would be absolutely petrified. That means I'm stuck living at home until I have a guy or a friend who wants to share a place with me. I can't ever live alone. I dread the idea of it.

I'm not borrowing trouble now, but if my husband dies before me and all our kids are grown and move out I'm going to be moving into a home or something if none of the kids want me in there. Which is fine, I have no problem living in some nice retirement home. I'll still be independent and I won't be alone. I don't mind that. I'd rather not be alone then full of pride and stubbornness about living on my own.

So that’s THAT fear. I looked up the name for that phobia yesterday. Pretty annoying names phobias have and my phobia has FIVE!
Nyctophobia: Fear of the dark or night,
Lygophobia: Fear of being in a dark place,
(And the most annoying)Achluopobia, Myctophobia and Scotophobia: Darkness.
Darkness needs three names apparently. Ridiculousness.

It feels good to be able to figure all this out and at the same time scary because I hate voicing my fears. It makes them real and easier to think about.
It feels good because now people know. My mom knows which makes me feel better.
I've hidden it well. There have been times though that if Sophie has been up late at night like me and I need to go downstairs I'll beg her to come with me. She does, somewhat annoyed. She hasn't ever realized how much the dark scares me but that’s ok. I never wanted it to be obvious.

Ok then. I'm going to maybe write about something else, or shower and pack for Florida. The shower and packing will happen anyway but I don't know if I have anything else to write about :)

I just cried over a country song. Its a first. I always rebuke Mum for that, but nope my eyes welled up with tears and overflowed. Mallary Hope - Love Lives On.

I'd like to disown my pets. All of them actually.

I don't usually consider myself to be squeamish but with pets, yes. Very grossed out.

Cats: litterboxs, hair balls, hair EVERYWHERE, etc. Its disgusting and it makes me really wish I could get out of it. I'm not the little kid who wants a pet then doesn't want to take care of it, its just sooo gross! Dogs, same thing. Although, Maggie doesn't shed. But trust me, dogs are still disgusting.

I love them. I love them very very much, but I seriously doubt there will be pets in my house when I'm grown up because for a big part of it, the mom does end up taking care of them. No thank you.

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I've figured out my life still holds drama even if its just the last remnants of some past drama. The one on my mind is sad. Losing a friend over something that stupid, that I tried to stop from happening is really heartbreaking. I so often have something I want to text and have to stop myself because I know it will only hurt more when I'm cruelly rejected. I tried it. That's how I know.

Alot of people have a former friend in their phone that every now and then they want to call or text and sometimes you type out a text or their number and stand there with your finger hovered over the send button wrestling with your feelings.

Do I do it?

Why do I want to?

What will happen?

Is this a bad idea?

Why does it have to be this way?

How much will it hurt to be rejected this time?

Is it worth it?

Half the time you press end before your heart gets the better of your gut instinct. That's a situation where you should NOT follow your heart. Because you only bring fresh heartache to a hurt that was starting to heal or at least starting to feel less painful.

I did not follow my gut this past week. Nope, it was a special day and I so very much wanted to say something about it.

Rejected. Brutally.

In my head I was thinking you knew this might and very likely would happen. Why did you do it?

Answers: Because I was praying it wouldn't happen.

Losing a friend is a horrible thing. Finding out later that friend had done horrible things makes it worse when its possible it should give you a feeling of relief that it DID end. Chances are, no it didn't make you feel any better. Probably made you feel worse.

I keep thinking that I do know better.

I do. I've been told I'm a masochist, a glutton for pain, I walk towards heartache. To some extent that's true. I reach out. I never don't reach out even if I know I risk being hurt. I'm a person who would rather someone else be happy or someone else know I care and be hurt.

I'm self sacrificing. I've been scolded multiple times by multiple people (usually its Mia) that this is wrong, this is bad and I need to stop.

Its not easy. Usually I don't even think about it, I just do it. I don't know how long this will be my pattern and I don't even know how to change it.

Something to think about.

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Today's happenings:

• Mumma went out to lunch with her friend Mary, to a place called Life Alive or something like that in Lowell. I don't know what time she left but she's been gone since at least 12 and isn't supposed to be home until 2:30. Now, I ask you, how can you spend that much time in a restaurant? I can only hope they won't be there the whole time. I know how much servers hate customers hanging out and taking up one of their tables for who knows how long. And the people who stay longer than 20 minutes after having finished eating? Oh that server wishes s/he could kick them out. Rambling! and I'm not even done. I'll do a footnote lol.
• Sophie is going to Becki's house (of course) with Meghan and Rachel (who is already there) and probably Ryan because they don't go anywhere without him.
• And Gracie is up at the O'brien's house with Kyle.
• Me, well I'm going to act like a normal human being today. I'm hoping it will make me feel better. I've got this panicky, melancholy feeling. Not on edge but very fragile. I'm hypersensitive about offending people and just all out panicked. I'm not even sure why.

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Here's a secret. Sorta. I don't speak Italian. Not alot of it anyway. But its my very favorite language and I'm teaching myself. First off, the http://dictionary.reference.com/translate website is a gift. I can type in what I want and have it put into Italian and then I can use it, and learn it! Its awesome. Plus, I read. One of my favorite series of books ever has a woman not much older than me, who is Italian. She's so much like me. Or I'm so much like her. Either/or.

She's fiery, passionate, vocal, loud, talks with her hands, throws things, is known to kick boys in the shins. I have been known for that too. She's also quiet and gentle, holds certain things like treasures and when she loves, she loves no matter what. She loves God. I read the books and always pictures myself doing that too in some situation. Physical characteristics too.

I admire her very much. The author is Kristen Heitzman and the series is Diamond of the Rockies. Its wonderful. One of those things you can read over and over without ever getting tired of it.

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I need to get a life. I know thats the core reason I feel so down lately. Its hard to deal with. The feelings and the fact its not easy to get a life. It keeps grating on my mind that I would've hard a car in less than a month if I still had a job.

How am I getting a job?

Where?

How long to save for my part of a car?

When can I get my license (Mom????)?

What am I doing about school?

Am I getting my GED?

Are me and my mom too damn floaty to pay attention to how much time goes by?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Soon? When is that?

I don't know.

Doesn't look like it.

Yes we are.

That's enough for right now. I'll post later I'm sure.