I want to get married. I want to fall in love with a guy who I will marry. I don't like dating, I don't like short term relationships, and a relationship not heading towards or leading to marriage is a short term relationship whether its 5 months or 5 years. Its not JUST a piece of paper. That piece of paper means there is no walking away. Take away that piece of paper and you can leave and that's it. Let me pack up and I'm gone. A piece of paper means there are ties. Bonds. Links. A relationship can be ended because someone cheated. A marriage can be ended because someone cheated. The difference is the relationship can be cut instantly. The marriage will take longer because that piece of paper is a link, a bond, the hot iron branding a lamb. Its not just a piece of paper and damn it, I want mine. I want a piece of paper. I want to BELONG. I want the guy I'll share rings and papers with, a shared last name, a bed, fights, making up, breakfast, lunch and dinner, babies, grandchildren, my life with. I want mine. I'm not rushing it, I'm not going to look because that backfires. Guys are supposed to find me and I'm damned if I know why. Stupid chase. But it hurts to watch and think, when me, when me. Sometimes I want to give up, others I think I'm only 19, how can I feel so alone already. Because I see it around me. I see it all around me. In my two best friends, in my parents who have been married for 25 years in November and who are the definition of "til death do us part".

I want my forever love. And it's not too much to ask.

So today was Mia's graduation party. It was a lot of fun actually. I wasn't expecting it to be. How bad is that? I hate parties. I hate socializing. I hate people. And I had fun . The first 10 minutes I had my usual mental thing of ooh I need to relax and I'm sooo not relaxed. Then the McDonoughs (minus Joshua) and Tony showed up and I started to feel better. Sophie and I sat with Kels, Tony and Tom for most of the afternoon and talked with them. Sophie listened a lot. It was a good time.

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I told Asa today it was over. I wish I had a more definitive term because "it" feels like a romantic implication. Here's the story: Asa and I could out of some bizarre happenstance someday be together. We've been trying to be friends, learning how to be friends for a couple months. He moved to fucking stupid Minnesota. Ok, fine, move 1,6384.5 miles away. That's something we could and were dealing with. The wrench in the situation? Drinking. Drugs. I don't care if he's in college. He's 19, that's underage. He doesn't have to follow the crowd. He doesn't have to do illegal shit because oh he's in college and he can. Friday night he got drunk and got high. I told him that night if he wants to do that stuff that is his decision. Part two of what I told him is that if he does decide to do all that, then I'm gone. One thing he wanted to try or consider a few months ago was a metaphorical delete button. Try to erase each other from our lives, just get rid of each other. We vetoed that in the end and have been friends. Maybe more. Well, not more right now. I told him that if he did decide to drink and get high and all that bullshit then I would be the one to erase him. I told him that I would be the one to drop off the face of his world if he decided to do it all.

Last night he drank. I don't know how much, but he did. He told me before he did last night that he was turning his phone off so that he or anyone else drunk would text me. He texted me this morning briefly about last night. My reply? "Good for you, have fun with that. I'm done." Then I went on the computer and blocked his number, deleted his number from my phone and all text messages, blocked him on Twitter...anything I could think of to make sure he can't contact me, I did.

I won't be with a guy who drinks and/or gets high. Why? Its in my family history. Alcoholism and drug abuse, all in my family. I've been with a guy who did drugs. SOLD drugs. Ended that pretty fast, but not because of the drugs in the end. Anyway.

Guys who drink and drive, guys who drink underage, guys who drink too much, guys who drink too often.

Those guys aren't my guys. Nope not gonna happen.

I'm done dealing with that. I can't be with a guy who wants to drink like that. Its not something I can accept.

I can't be with a guy like that. I can't.

I'm considering the idea I might be single for awhile. Because in my short experience in the last mm, 10 months, the guys I've come in contact with drink. They drink. Ok fine, you're legal you just turned 21, you're 22, you're 23 you're freaking 26, I don't care. If you drink a lot, drink often, drink until you do stupid things, then I am done. Totally done. Goodbye.

So yeah, guess what.

Goodbye.