So today was Mia's graduation party. It was a lot of fun actually. I wasn't expecting it to be. How bad is that? I hate parties. I hate socializing. I hate people. And I had fun . The first 10 minutes I had my usual mental thing of ooh I need to relax and I'm sooo not relaxed. Then the McDonoughs (minus Joshua) and Tony showed up and I started to feel better. Sophie and I sat with Kels, Tony and Tom for most of the afternoon and talked with them. Sophie listened a lot. It was a good time.

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I told Asa today it was over. I wish I had a more definitive term because "it" feels like a romantic implication. Here's the story: Asa and I could out of some bizarre happenstance someday be together. We've been trying to be friends, learning how to be friends for a couple months. He moved to fucking stupid Minnesota. Ok, fine, move 1,6384.5 miles away. That's something we could and were dealing with. The wrench in the situation? Drinking. Drugs. I don't care if he's in college. He's 19, that's underage. He doesn't have to follow the crowd. He doesn't have to do illegal shit because oh he's in college and he can. Friday night he got drunk and got high. I told him that night if he wants to do that stuff that is his decision. Part two of what I told him is that if he does decide to do all that, then I'm gone. One thing he wanted to try or consider a few months ago was a metaphorical delete button. Try to erase each other from our lives, just get rid of each other. We vetoed that in the end and have been friends. Maybe more. Well, not more right now. I told him that if he did decide to drink and get high and all that bullshit then I would be the one to erase him. I told him that I would be the one to drop off the face of his world if he decided to do it all.

Last night he drank. I don't know how much, but he did. He told me before he did last night that he was turning his phone off so that he or anyone else drunk would text me. He texted me this morning briefly about last night. My reply? "Good for you, have fun with that. I'm done." Then I went on the computer and blocked his number, deleted his number from my phone and all text messages, blocked him on Twitter...anything I could think of to make sure he can't contact me, I did.

I won't be with a guy who drinks and/or gets high. Why? Its in my family history. Alcoholism and drug abuse, all in my family. I've been with a guy who did drugs. SOLD drugs. Ended that pretty fast, but not because of the drugs in the end. Anyway.

Guys who drink and drive, guys who drink underage, guys who drink too much, guys who drink too often.

Those guys aren't my guys. Nope not gonna happen.

I'm done dealing with that. I can't be with a guy who wants to drink like that. Its not something I can accept.

I can't be with a guy like that. I can't.

I'm considering the idea I might be single for awhile. Because in my short experience in the last mm, 10 months, the guys I've come in contact with drink. They drink. Ok fine, you're legal you just turned 21, you're 22, you're 23 you're freaking 26, I don't care. If you drink a lot, drink often, drink until you do stupid things, then I am done. Totally done. Goodbye.

So yeah, guess what.

Goodbye.

It was a good day.

I cleaned the kitchen again and the desk in the school room. I'm noticing that kitchen areas I've cleaned out and organizing are slowly being encroached with things that do NOT belong there. The cleaning went well.

I watched TV on the computer while I cleaned out the desk then I went on the computer to do some college research, and other various things.

New Music Tuesday so I checked all that out tonight, I was pretty pleased with my findings. Leeland has a new album out and I'm not a fan of theirs but I like this new CD of theirs, Love on the Move, very much. I downloaded that tonight and discovered this weeks free single is really great.

Its by an artist, Mallary Hope, she's new on the music scene I think. Her song is called Love Lives On and she IS a Country artist (which is even better in my opinion).

Its a beautiful song. A story song, and those are my favorite kinds. They dig deep and pull out the feelings you try and hide. I've watched the YouTube video of it 5 times already and I love it more each time and think wow this is so incredibly REAL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri9ihQsiDQ4

Story songs are real. They tell a story and its not a fairytale, No they're real stories even if the one's singing it aren't telling their own story, its still someones story. That's why I love country. It moves you.

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I'm making a ringtone of "Face Down" right now. I should have thought of it sooner but it slipped my mind.

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I talked to Asa today which is a daily thing for the most part, but today was a day where we weren't unkind at all. Ok, well EARLY today we were both a little peeved, but it wasn't with each other. We just weren't at all sympathetic with each other's peeved-ness. Then he texted me later and he was very sweet.

He texted me: "Guess what band I'm listening to"

Me: "Paramore? Skillet?" (I knew it had to be a band that was specifically significant to us)

Asa: "Our band"

Me: "Dashboard Confessional" (Thinking its either this or Skillet).

Asa: "Skillet. Dashboard Confessional is on my list of "Do Not Ever Listen to Again" music"

We agree on that.

Me: "What song?"

Asa: "It was 'Say Goodbye', now its 'Those Nights'"

We talked a bit more about that CD, Comatose. I told him I was surprised he had it on his iPhone or iPod. I can't listen to a single song on that CD without thinking about him and I know its the same way for him.

He tries to NOT think about me. I finally had to be blunt with him and tell him that he couldn't forget me no matter how much he tried. He wanted to be stubborn and a total jerk. I thought he would win that fight. He came around. I don't know what I did. Or what he decided, but he did, thank you, God.

I can't hold my breath though. Not yet. If he wants to backtrack (again) then I have to be ready to defend this because Minnesota or not, we were working on being friends. I don't care about any 1,703 (he's recalculated three times. I think he's making it further each time on purpose)miles between us. To me he might as well not be gone at all.

I do miss him though and I've told him that. He doesn't like telling me he misses me but I can read between the lines and sometimes I poke him with things until he gets ticked off and says it.

Every time its rained since he's been gone or when its rained in Minnesota, we've texted each other. We met on a night that it rained, and the majority of any time we've seen each other, its rained, been raining, or is raining. It rained...mm the day I took out the screen. Oh that's WHY I was taking out the screen. Because it was raining and I wanted to take pictures to send to him. I was successful and sent him two pictures.

He replied within five minutes: "Damn you"

I asked why,

he replied: "Because I don't want to know what I'm missing".

He loves the rain. It comforts him. Maybe that's why I comfort him so easily. Some part of his head mentally links me to rain.

That's the big link right there, he can't forget me, just because of the rain.

Other links...so many other links. I notice them more now that I know he's so far away. He does too.

He told me one day last week that: "So. Future reference, and don't get ANY ideas. But if, and that's a big IF you ever came to Minnesota, you could stay in my dorm."

Me, naive, confused, asked: "Why? How?"

He said they were co-ed allowed dorms. I laughed so hard and told him he'd better find a girlfriend so he could make use of that benefit.

Eventually I'll fly over and see him. I don't know when, but I will. He moved there. I can't say that I'll see him when he gets out of college. No, he moved there. I keep calling New Hampshire home and he keeps telling me its not his home.

That's the part of my head that can't compute that he's actually gone.

Only when its raining or it hits 12 am do I remember and realize how far away he is. Minnesota is an hour behind New England. So if I'm awake at 12 am, I'll text him and say something along the lines of, "Oh its Wednesday now. OHhh, wait nope not you yet!"

I'm such a brat with him.

Its now 12 am here, so I'll text him in a few minutes with my usual gleeful comment. He doesn't like being an hour behind. Its throwing him off and it gives me an edge. I love it.

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Ahh, I should get offline. This was a good day. The first in about 5 days. I'm praying the good days continue.

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Four days until we leave for Disney World.

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I really wish I could see Sean before we go. I told him if it was over two weeks before we saw each other that would be ok. Not something I wanted, but I could suck it up. Its been 2 weeks and 2 days. Is that horrible I'm keeping count? Its just my mental thing with details.

I don't know that I'll be able to though. Or actually, will he be able to see me, and want to see me. I don't know.

I know that I miss him.

I miss him.

Maybe I'll text him and ask how their show at the Sad Cafe went tonight. Maybe I won't. He says he loves when I talk but I feel like I should just shut up sometimes. And then I hate not talking to him, even when he doesn't reply because I know chances are I'm still evoking a smile with whatever random ridiculous thing I'm saying.

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Ok then, I'm off!