Day Five/Home: 09/03/09

1:15 pm

I don't remember what I blogged yesterday. Well the family went to Animal Kingdom and Downtown Disney Shopping village. I stayed at the hotel. I rested, read my books, got food at the caf, packed, and organized all that. They came back; we packed more, settled in for the night. I was horribly awakened at 3:45 am, dozed until 3:54 am when my foot was shaken and I was firmly told to GET UP. Got ready, left the suite at 4:39 am. The Disney Magical Express airport shuttle bus arrived about 4:50-4:55 am. It was NOT magical. Two stops after picking us up, & a 40 minute ride to the airport. The bus played music from some of the rides at the parks. It SUCKED. I was so thankful to own an iPod. We got to the airport about 5:45 & checked our bags. We headed to the restrooms and then to Starbucks. Tazo Tea: Sweetened Shaken Iced Tea Passion Lemonade. And an espresso brownie. I discovered I lost the tie-belt to my favorite sweater while we were at Starbucks. I was so upset, still am. Gracie claimed she saw it in the restroom but didn't realize it was mine (I wonder so often, Where is her head?? But I know I'm like that too and our dad. ADHD/ADD is NOT cool). She ran back to look. She didn't find it sadly, so I went and found the sweetest friendliest most cheerful janitor to ask where the lost and found was. I loved him. His English was not impressive but he was so sweet. Mum and I headed over to the lost and found. They didn't open until 7. I wrote down the number & email. I still have to call them. I'm going to ASAP. We went through security after waiting for the 11-year-old to go to the ladies' AGAIN. We got to our gate and boarded in about 10 minutes. I closed my eyes and had my hands over my face when we went up. I hate flying and I hate heights. I read my book during the flight and it was somewhat enjoyable. The flight that is, my book is great. As soon as the seat belt light clicked on, and the captain told us we were beginning our descent, my stomach nose dived. Nauseous for the rest of the flight. I wasn't ok until I got to baggage claim. We got off the plane and I went down there while everyone else hit the restrooms. I'd gotten three of our bags by the time they got there. We got our bags, Daddy picked up the car, and we went HOME. My nervous-anxiety-OCD kicked in and I was in a mad rush to unpack and organize and clean. Like panic attack, freaking out, I couldn't handle it not being all taken care of. So I did. We were home about 11:15 and I was unpacked by 12:45. And that’s entirely unpacked. Toiletries, clothes, shoes, carry on, everything. I'm folding the laundry now and I have 5 days worth of newspapers to read. It’s so amazing to be home. I'm so tired. I have things to do though. Goodbye Florida. ...Hello my home in New Hampshire.

I messed up this post somehow. Don't know how. Not pleased.

Day Three: 09/01/09

5:56 pm

Yesterday was the Magic Kingdom. Mum, me, S & G went early-ish and did a bunch of things. Sorry, I'm exhausted. I'll list what we did later or something.

We came back here about 2 pm and rested, had some food then went back with Daddy this time. We did more things. About 5:30 ish the thunder and lightning started. I don't remember when it started to pour but I know we were all in the gift shop for Pirates of the Caribbean right after that ride (awesome ride btw). It was raining for about 4 hours. Alot of people including us hide in shops and shows, on rides, under awnings...Sophie put on a poncho and braved the torrents after about 20 minutes. Us ladies put on ponchos too and followed her after she came back from scouting. Dad opted to stay there, positive it would "let up in about 10 minutes". He was very very wrong. The four of us (Mum, me, Soph and Grace) kept going and made it back to Main St. and went shopping. We're women, it’s what we do. He caught up with us eventually (still pouring) and eventually we went over to Tony & Ann's for dinner. Every place there was packed. Didn't matter if it was food, a shop, a ride, a place with a roof meant there was a mob. T&A's was freezing. Sophie & I were absolutely frozen. Food was good. These restaurants need a better selection for real. I had gelato for dessert. Amazing!! We watched the parade afterwards then headed back to the hotel on a bus. My sneakers had been soaked through for a good two hours. I was miserable. When we got back and I took off my shoes and socks my poor little feet were just so cold. And wet. My socks were soaked; I had to dry off my feet. This morning my sneakers were still wet so I wore my flip-flops.

Today was Epcot. The five of us left here by 11 and my family is actually still there. I left about 4 pm, after we'd gone through all the Countries. The Countries are what I love at Epcot. After those, I was done. I'm realizing that all signs (this vacation & the Cape in June) point to me not able to handle vacations. Trips away, maybe just with my family or maybe trips in general. All I know is I am stressed, and worried, on edge, irritable, and more right now than at home. I'm trying to have fun. But I can't relax. I am completely unable to relax. I feel like my entire person is wound up and I can't release it. How horrible is it that I'm homesick? I do love Disney World but all I want to do is go home. I'm thankful we're here and are blessed to be able to come but I’m done. I can’t handle it much more. I just miss home and everyone who’s there so so much.

Ok, I'm exhausted. Like I feel like falling asleep right now.

I woke up this morning and found a ladybug about a foot away from my face. Now, I couldn't see it because I'm blind without my contacts, so I moved closer and upon seeing what the moving thing was, flicked it away. If I'd had the presence of mind at that moment I could have squished it or rescued it or something. Nope, I didn't have presence of mind and flicked the darn thing away from me.

I got up and upon walking to the bathroom, I walk into the corner of it, on the crown molded woodwork around the door. Ouch.

Somehow I was in a good mood because none of this upset me. It kind of made me laugh but I might have been slightly loopy from lingering sleepiness and a knock on the head.

Got ready, and went out with Mum and Grace. We went to Tyngsboro to pick up Gracie's glasses, then we went across the street/D.W. to the Pheasant Lane Mall to go to Target. I needed a bag for our trip and I don't remember what Mum and Grace were getting.

Our last stop was CVS for me, and Best Buy next door to look for a camera case for Grace.

I had great success at CVS (I was worried I wouldn't find what I needed) and they found a camera case while I was in CVS. The one thing I forgot was Lactaid pills. Goshdarn, this is a problem.

We came home and I ate quickly and then went to the dentists' office. All went well there, made future appointments and came home.

I've been packing, cleaning, organizing, etc. I finished hanging up some wall things that were taken down when my room was being painted, I sorted out a few cluttered junk filled areas. I'm working on an ongoing project I have.

I had to stop when my grandmother came over and be "social". I don't like that. I repaired a bag that had a damaged strap while we were eating. We had dinner, chit-chatted, etc. I did some dishes and cleaned up the table and island for my mom after.

She went home and I did something after that I have no idea what it was and now I'm blogging because I didn't get to again yesterday and I don't know what will be going on tomorrow. I know that I don't think I'll be on the computer again tonight however because I am so freaking tired!!

I'm going to play with the BumperSticker app on facebook for a little while because I've been consolidating all the ones with phrases/sayings/quotes that fit with me/my life/personality for my blog.

Then I'm going to get off the computer and go to my room and work on my project and eventually, hopefully not too too late;

Go. To. Sleep.

This is what I forgot to post about and even wrote a post to myself not to forget and I still forgot.
You can see how my brain functions. In waves. One minute I'm up the next I'm down. Another metaphor is a roller coaster. I've known that I have this fear and that it is somewhat crippling, but sometimes you don't realize how serious it is, or how much you really fear it until something happens or some little tiny thing in your head clicks and it’s like "WHOA". I'd say mine was the click.

I'm scared of the dark. Terrified. I've always known I hated it, that I didn't like to be alone in it. For the most part I can't fall asleep with a single crack of light though.

One of the worst is the moon. I'd be happy if the moon never came out because it makes it impossible to sleep.

Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking about the other night but somehow I started to think about how I'm scared of the dark. And my thoughts started journeying back to when I was very young and I remember how terrified I was of the dark then and how not much has changed other than I learned to hide it more and steel myself when I have to go into the dark.

But I hate it. I hate having to going into the dark and grit my teeth all the while my heart is pounding in my chest and I’m struggling to breathe correctly.

I remember being little and having a nightlight. I think we had one in our (Sophie and mine) room and then one outside in the hall. I think that’s what we did.

I remember not being able to fall asleep alot of the time. That was partly due to my fear of the dark and probably partly due to my ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, both undiagnosed at the time. Almost every night one of my parents would sit out in the hall until we fell asleep or they were starting to doze off. I never understood how they were able to fall asleep so easily.

I have memories of my mom falling asleep when she'd be rubbing my back trying to help ME fall asleep and that I'd have to send her to bed. Eventually I stopped asking her to rub my back, for a few reasons. I knew she'd fall asleep and that it wouldn't help me relax.

I don't remember when we stopped using a nightlight. I think it was when I couldn't relax with it on anymore and when I decided I was too old to have one. I know I and Soph had moved into the other room at the front of the house and let baby Grace have the room we'd been in for the last three years. Sometime after switching rooms the nightlight was put away. I don't remember if Gracie ever used one. Probably.

When I was younger, I had nightmares. NO, night terrors. There were about three and they always repeated themselves. I remember them so clearly. I don’t eve know how I would explain them because they don't make any logical sense, but then how does any nightmare or dream make perfect sense all the time?

I remember I'd sometimes wakeup crying. I don't know if I ever woke up screaming. I wouldn't doubt it, but I'll have to see if my mom remembers. She wasn't the easiest person to wake up.

When I needed her at night, like if I woke up, I wouldn't be able to move. If the house ever caught on fire and I was the only one awake I'm not sure if I'd have been able to move because the dark would be the fear that won.

I'd wake up and stay exactly where I was, almost not daring to breathe, but my eyes darting everywhere. I'd lay in bed trying to get the nerve to call for her. If I was eventually able to do that, I'd be unable to make my voice go very high. It was too loud in a dark quiet house and I'd quake every time I had to yell "Mummy!". If she woke up, and came all was well. If she didn't wake up, I'd been in bed hoping and praying I could make myself get up. Usually I forced myself at some point, which adds to the reason I can do that now, because I had to force myself then so now I can force myself now.

I'd get up and race for my parents’ bed. There room was a 4 second walk from our door to theirs but I ran from my bed to theirs in under 6. I was always scared to death.

It’s worse in some ways now because we have pets. Maggie sleeps in her crate, but the two cats wander freely. I can't see them if its dark and I hate walking in the house at night for any reason because I can't turn the lights on or I can't turn them on fast enough for comfort. The lights could be on throughout the whole downstairs but if its late and everyone is asleep I'm scared still.

I figured and remembered all this the other night, Tuesday I believe and I told my mom that day. I asked for nightlights. She found one which makes it a bit easier. But I want them scattered throughout the house. I'm a late night snacker. I get hungry frequently. It's the hardest thing in the world to go downstairs and grab something to eat.

Our girls' bathroom is two, maybe three steps from my door and my heart is pounding by the time I've closed the door behind me. When I open it to go back to my room I'm always scared I'll open it to find a cat because I know I'll jump and make some loud noise either from my voice or just bumping something.

I fell asleep with the nightlight on in my room last night. It was good.

I realized something really sad and also bad. I can't ever move out and live on my own. I would be absolutely petrified. That means I'm stuck living at home until I have a guy or a friend who wants to share a place with me. I can't ever live alone. I dread the idea of it.

I'm not borrowing trouble now, but if my husband dies before me and all our kids are grown and move out I'm going to be moving into a home or something if none of the kids want me in there. Which is fine, I have no problem living in some nice retirement home. I'll still be independent and I won't be alone. I don't mind that. I'd rather not be alone then full of pride and stubbornness about living on my own.

So that’s THAT fear. I looked up the name for that phobia yesterday. Pretty annoying names phobias have and my phobia has FIVE!
Nyctophobia: Fear of the dark or night,
Lygophobia: Fear of being in a dark place,
(And the most annoying)Achluopobia, Myctophobia and Scotophobia: Darkness.
Darkness needs three names apparently. Ridiculousness.

It feels good to be able to figure all this out and at the same time scary because I hate voicing my fears. It makes them real and easier to think about.
It feels good because now people know. My mom knows which makes me feel better.
I've hidden it well. There have been times though that if Sophie has been up late at night like me and I need to go downstairs I'll beg her to come with me. She does, somewhat annoyed. She hasn't ever realized how much the dark scares me but that’s ok. I never wanted it to be obvious.

Ok then. I'm going to maybe write about something else, or shower and pack for Florida. The shower and packing will happen anyway but I don't know if I have anything else to write about :)

I'd like to disown my pets. All of them actually.

I don't usually consider myself to be squeamish but with pets, yes. Very grossed out.

Cats: litterboxs, hair balls, hair EVERYWHERE, etc. Its disgusting and it makes me really wish I could get out of it. I'm not the little kid who wants a pet then doesn't want to take care of it, its just sooo gross! Dogs, same thing. Although, Maggie doesn't shed. But trust me, dogs are still disgusting.

I love them. I love them very very much, but I seriously doubt there will be pets in my house when I'm grown up because for a big part of it, the mom does end up taking care of them. No thank you.

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I've figured out my life still holds drama even if its just the last remnants of some past drama. The one on my mind is sad. Losing a friend over something that stupid, that I tried to stop from happening is really heartbreaking. I so often have something I want to text and have to stop myself because I know it will only hurt more when I'm cruelly rejected. I tried it. That's how I know.

Alot of people have a former friend in their phone that every now and then they want to call or text and sometimes you type out a text or their number and stand there with your finger hovered over the send button wrestling with your feelings.

Do I do it?

Why do I want to?

What will happen?

Is this a bad idea?

Why does it have to be this way?

How much will it hurt to be rejected this time?

Is it worth it?

Half the time you press end before your heart gets the better of your gut instinct. That's a situation where you should NOT follow your heart. Because you only bring fresh heartache to a hurt that was starting to heal or at least starting to feel less painful.

I did not follow my gut this past week. Nope, it was a special day and I so very much wanted to say something about it.

Rejected. Brutally.

In my head I was thinking you knew this might and very likely would happen. Why did you do it?

Answers: Because I was praying it wouldn't happen.

Losing a friend is a horrible thing. Finding out later that friend had done horrible things makes it worse when its possible it should give you a feeling of relief that it DID end. Chances are, no it didn't make you feel any better. Probably made you feel worse.

I keep thinking that I do know better.

I do. I've been told I'm a masochist, a glutton for pain, I walk towards heartache. To some extent that's true. I reach out. I never don't reach out even if I know I risk being hurt. I'm a person who would rather someone else be happy or someone else know I care and be hurt.

I'm self sacrificing. I've been scolded multiple times by multiple people (usually its Mia) that this is wrong, this is bad and I need to stop.

Its not easy. Usually I don't even think about it, I just do it. I don't know how long this will be my pattern and I don't even know how to change it.

Something to think about.

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Today's happenings:

• Mumma went out to lunch with her friend Mary, to a place called Life Alive or something like that in Lowell. I don't know what time she left but she's been gone since at least 12 and isn't supposed to be home until 2:30. Now, I ask you, how can you spend that much time in a restaurant? I can only hope they won't be there the whole time. I know how much servers hate customers hanging out and taking up one of their tables for who knows how long. And the people who stay longer than 20 minutes after having finished eating? Oh that server wishes s/he could kick them out. Rambling! and I'm not even done. I'll do a footnote lol.
• Sophie is going to Becki's house (of course) with Meghan and Rachel (who is already there) and probably Ryan because they don't go anywhere without him.
• And Gracie is up at the O'brien's house with Kyle.
• Me, well I'm going to act like a normal human being today. I'm hoping it will make me feel better. I've got this panicky, melancholy feeling. Not on edge but very fragile. I'm hypersensitive about offending people and just all out panicked. I'm not even sure why.

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Here's a secret. Sorta. I don't speak Italian. Not alot of it anyway. But its my very favorite language and I'm teaching myself. First off, the http://dictionary.reference.com/translate website is a gift. I can type in what I want and have it put into Italian and then I can use it, and learn it! Its awesome. Plus, I read. One of my favorite series of books ever has a woman not much older than me, who is Italian. She's so much like me. Or I'm so much like her. Either/or.

She's fiery, passionate, vocal, loud, talks with her hands, throws things, is known to kick boys in the shins. I have been known for that too. She's also quiet and gentle, holds certain things like treasures and when she loves, she loves no matter what. She loves God. I read the books and always pictures myself doing that too in some situation. Physical characteristics too.

I admire her very much. The author is Kristen Heitzman and the series is Diamond of the Rockies. Its wonderful. One of those things you can read over and over without ever getting tired of it.

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I need to get a life. I know thats the core reason I feel so down lately. Its hard to deal with. The feelings and the fact its not easy to get a life. It keeps grating on my mind that I would've hard a car in less than a month if I still had a job.

How am I getting a job?

Where?

How long to save for my part of a car?

When can I get my license (Mom????)?

What am I doing about school?

Am I getting my GED?

Are me and my mom too damn floaty to pay attention to how much time goes by?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Soon? When is that?

I don't know.

Doesn't look like it.

Yes we are.

That's enough for right now. I'll post later I'm sure.

This has not been a pleasant day

I got on the computer to blog. That was 3 and a half hours ago.

Things to blame for the horrible delay:

• photos that I'd emailed to myself and were editing. I tried my hand at Photoshop. That program is complicated. Time consuming.
• facebook. I was having a chat conversation with someone. Very involved.
• Bringing groceries upstairs.
• dealing with family members who kept coming over and distracting me.

It's been a long day and I'm finally getting to blog, just as my mother has requested I get off. Oh well, I'm going to write anyway.

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Its Sunday. I really hate Sundays. If I don't have a church I can go to then Sundays feel pointless, empty and lazy. I don't like any of those "feels".

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Sophie got home from her weekend away with the O'briens in Portsmouth. She had fun.

Gracie has been making eggs because she has this pan and she adores using it.

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I got my nose pierced. Re-pierced. I really like it, I always have. I pierced it when I was 16.

That was a messy, emotional, very angry, angst-y time. I lost my bedroom door for it and couldn't have it back until I took out the piercing. I stuck with that for about 8 months. I figured out various substitutes for a door and it worked out pretty good.

I don't remember what it was that made me decided I wanted my door back. Oh wait, yes I do. I decided I liked the look of not having one again. I let my parents think that I was doing it out of repentance. Nope, I just decided I didn't want it anymore.

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I realized yesterday I am my mother's Ann-with-an-e Shirley. Mabel. Pollyanna (although my outlook is not always as cheerful). I can't remember many other wild female movie or book characters, but I know that I fit all of them. I told this to my mom yesterday.

Here's the story:

I had removed a screen from one of my windows and let it drop to the ground because 1, it was wet and 2, it was too big to pull inside. Well, in about 20 seconds I hear my mother coming up the stairs more quickly then usual and I very quickly close my window and turn the other way on my bed.

She knocks and comes in and says "What are you doing?" in that voice which I know means "Molly I don't know what to do with you, you never cease to do something to catch me off guard and shock me, etc".

I answered that I was taking a picture and the screen was in my way. I asked if she'd been at the computer (where the window below mine is so she would've seen and heard the screen drop).

She had.

She had her usual reaction to my unexpected antics and asked me to go bring the screen inside.

It was raining, so I dashed outside and brought it in. She told me to go hide it in the basement because my dad would freak out if he found out I'd taken it out. The previous times I've taken my screens out, I was running away and leaving through my second story window.

After, I told her that I'd decided I was her Anne and her Mabel and she said "Yes, yes you are!" in her exasperated oh I love you and I don't know what to do with you tone.

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That was yesterday. My nose was also yesterday. She did not notice that which I was expecting because she is not very observant. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone either, I'm just going to let them notice. My dad was the one who noticed. Which figures because he was the one who was so upset over it when I was 16. And the rule was that I had to wait until I was 18 to get anything else pierced because then it would be my decision. He's very prompt to tell me about the consequences and how I'll regret it someday. About everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Its infuriating.

Mum suggested MINUTES after I kept my cool with my dad's little speech that he should take me out driving today because he really hasn't ever gotten the chance. I reacted something like, what the hell, NO. She was going over to the computer with me and I said to her that today was not a good day to go driving with Dad and I had to explain that since he had seen my nose and wasn't happy about it, the driving would consist of him lecturing me while I'm driving. She immediately saw my point. Which is good but annoying because she doesn't realize these things before she suggests them.

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We got the exciting news that we are going to Disney World a week from today. Very pleased about that, I do love love love Disney.

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I'm tired and frankly, stressed out. There's been too much going on today and I feel somewhat picked on. I'm going to my room. Its my hiding place.

What's wrong about that is that I feel the need to hide.

I'm not having the best day. I'm also thinking its probably my fault.

I haven't gotten dressed, or eaten anything intelligently substantial.

I have done nothing but read all day and I know that this makes me depressed. I love to read but for some reason, hours and hours of it makes me depressed, irritable and sad.

I should know better than to do the three things listed above. They usually come like that too. I do all three or two of them. Its not a common thing for me to do only one of those things. Which means there's some underlying cause for my actions that prompts this response.

The depressed irritable feeling showed up about 4:30. I just started feeling very low. I don't even know a good way to describe it.

Mum came upstairs to ask if I wanted anything from Express because they were ordering pizza. I said sure and came downstairs to look at the menu, knowing instinctively my emotions were on edge and I needed to make sure I didn't snap at Mum or Grace. I spent 10 minutes looking at the menu.

Indecisive. That's bad for me. Very very bad. Thats a signal something's wrong. I already knew that though. Usually when I feel depressed thats a giveaway something's wrong. ....I should not be sarcastic on my blog, with potentially only myself.

I chose the chicken plate. I wanted like 5 things which also meant I wanted the mood boost carbs would give me. Phew, at least I know what all these things mean.

Weird Day. I don't like those days.

I like the bullet list things. I'll be using it alot.

My day as of 2 pm:

• woke up at 8 am, and I was actually able to wake up. Impressive since I went to be at 3 am. I was so hot. Horrible.
• Ha, Mum, Grace and me were late leaving the house (supposed to be at 9:15, pulled out of the driveway at 9:24).
• We dropped Grace off at the Haij's house.
• Mum TRIED to use her GPS to get us to Dracut's CVS from another route than the way we had to go back (which was Pelham Rd/Dutton Rd. They mesh together).
• She failed at that because it still took us back the way we came.
• Went to CVS, I go find what I needed on a limited budget. I made out ok. I had $14 and my total was $13.78. Damn 6.25% Massachusetts sales tax.
• Accidentally ticked off my mum as she was checking out. I almost didn't get to keep driving. I'd driven the whole time so far.
• We have almost an hour to kill before my dentist appointment (oh funnn). We go to Dunks. I don't like Dunkins so I didn't eat but she did. Med. Iced, extra cream, one sugar. Two breakfast wraps w/bacon. I'm so good with details.
• We head over to the dentists. Awesome.
• My appointment was at 11. I wasn't called in until 11:20. I was there at 10:55. Not cool.
• There was a kid I knew from PHS in the waiting room. He made for some interesting text messages because of something I noticed. Then I couldn't stop looking!!
• I get called in and fall in love with my hygienist. I loved her. I'll be asking for here again.
• I get to fill out a health history thing and get pictures of my teeth taken. Sort of XRays but she called them something else.
• And for the next hour my mouth is poked and prodded and looked at and TALKED about (thats the weirdest part. And um, hi, I'm right here, include me please).
• Get my pretty teeth cleaned. My hygienist :(I never found out her name): said my mouth would feel awesome afterward. LIEEESSS!!!
• Finish up, figure out I need like two more appointments because when you haven't gone to the dentist for three years (things came up!) you need some stuff checked out.
• Head down the street to Salon 38. I'm not allowed to drive. Apparently I might be "out of it" after having my mouth invaded.
• My hair is trimmed. Soooo happy. I get some hair advice and find out about a couple things I want down. Example: purple hair extensions.
• I get to drive home.
• I try out something I bought as CVS that I wanted soooo bad. I like it.

The rest of it so far that doesn't need bullets was getting the mail, fixing the internet because the computer lost connection and didn't reconnect on its own. And now on Facebook and my blog. I'm starving. Its time for some food.

The recap looks like it's been a good day. I'll take it :)

Grazie Signore per questa giornata e vi ringrazio per fare meglio di quanto avessi pensato che fosse. Sia stasera sia una buona notte. Ho bisogno di qualche "buona" in questo momento.