My life is crazy-ish right now. It's been wayyy too long since I've been on here which is entirely my fault, one because I've had a brain block and had no words come to my mind, two, becasue I was stalling and procrastinating on my housework that I had to do before being allowed to place my fingers on a keyboard for any reason whatsoever, and three, my mood was too messed up, which definitely made words hard to come by.

But here I am and I have things to tell thank goodness.

• So as of September 14th, I am back on an anti-depressant. I haven't been on one since April which is amazing. Until April, I had been on an anti-depressant of some kind since I was 13. I was so happy to be one less medication, and even more so that it was the anti-depressant. But by this time, I know my body, I know my feelings and I know when something needs to change. So when I started feeling very depressed and that feeling "there's no way out", and when being awake sucks and being asleep sucks, that something's gotta give. I knew I needed to go back on an anti-depressant no matter how much I didn't want to. Now, I would never ever EVER attempt to commit suicide. One, I could never hurt my family that much. Under no circumstances would that be worth the pain they would feel. Two, I know what the Bible says about suicide and I'm not interested in losing my salvation. Three, that's so dramatic. I mean seriously. I'm currently taking 10 milligrams of Lexapro (I've been on this one before) a day, but I think the dosage is being bumped up to 15 milligrams. I feel alot better on it.
• I'm applying for jobs! I applied to Chunky's in Pelham and Pac Sun and DEB in the mall. The manager at Pac Sun, Kim, looked over my application right when I handed it in, said she would DEFINITELY call me and if she doesn't call me by this Friday at 5 p.m. that she wants me to call her at the store. I got a 5 minute mini job interview right there. It felt really good. I hope I get the job.
• Sophie and I got our new cell phones for our birthdays! Sophie chose the blue EnV 3 and I chose the red EnV 3. Daddy also let us each pick a case from the kiosk in the mall too. It was alot of fun. Mum told me after that I am "very technology savvy". Which is true, I know alot about things, and especially cell phones because I didn't want ANY trouble with them and the purchasing, etc. I knew more then Dad did, which was hard becasue he was the one in charge and I couldn't always get a word in edgewise. He's a big talker. That was a really great night, getting our new phones, which we both adore. I discovered oour phones can have cell phone charms, a feature the first EnV lacked and that I'd wanted. So I started making charms out of earring pendants, necklace pendants, charm bracelet charms, anything that I liked and wasn't tacky. Which is how alot of the charms you can buy in a store are. Tacky.
• I'm driving alot, as much as I possibly can. I hope I can go for my license soon. I need to study the book more. I hate studying. I'm awful at it. I also want to nail my parking skills and tone down my slightly cocky driving air because I know the driving instructing people look for a cautious driver. So I'm trying to learn that. I think it's called modesty and humility. My grandmother told me yesterday she thinks women in general are just not good at parking. Which of course, made me even more determined to be the best parker I can possibly be.
• I want to get my GED. I'm just not ready yet. I know that I want to go to school for journalism and auto mechanics, but if I don't have my GED I know I can't go to school. I'm going to start studying that stupid book with Mum, and hopefully Kevin too. He's getting his GED too.
• Kevin... Kevin is the boy I'm dating right now. I like him =) He's a very sweet boy. He's 19, he's 5 months older then me, and he's pretty crazy about me. I think it's going to work out. I know we're taking it slow. And I really truly mean slow this time. I've failed with slow in my past relationships, and if Kevin and I are right and this is going to turn into a relationship, we want it to be right. So we're taking it slow. Our dates have been going to Denny's, out to eat and a PHS football game, we watch House at my house (which we're going to do today!), he took me to do my errands last week, we saw the Invention of Lying (GREAT movie, filmed in my hometown, Lowell, MA in the spring of 2008!! And I'm one of the um... one people that know that, from what I've experienced) on Saturday...I'm really having a lot of fun with him. I really do like him and he is a gentleman which I'm including here for my mom and Mia's benefit.
• I'm really close with Matt =) He's one of my best friends, really truly. I want to be 90 and 92 (I'm older) and in an old peoples home together. He's the best. I can and do, talk with him all day long. I have so many memorable quotes and conversations, in my phone, e-mailed to me, on facebook... I love that guy.

So when I got the text from Blogspot last night saying "Success! Your mobile post has updated, blah blah blah" I was pleased because the text had been longer than the standard 160 character limit. Lo and behold, the text I sent was turned into very angry looking gibberish, and TWO posts. Well then.

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What I had sent was this:

I will wait, I won't chase, you will lead, I won't faze, hey let go, no hold tight, please don't ever forget to say goodnight, you are my all, and I am yours, I will wait when you hesitate and let you catch me when I fall, where you begin, I end, as when I begin you end, we are one.

I just was thinking last night and randomly I came up with this.

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So, me, depressed. I don't know how much to say. I don't actually know WHAT to say about it.

I have no job. No money. No drivers license. No car. No GED.

No life.

Yeah, I'm depressed.

Mary appointment on Monday at 9:15 am. A whole 45 minutes to 1 hour. I'm so grateful for that.

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I'm doing housework for Mum lately. Why not, she's my mom? Wow. I'm so depressed, I'm doing chores so I have something to do. So I have some small feeling of being useful? I don't know. I really hate these feelings.

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I've been wearing my glasses. Don't know why. I don't know why about a lot of things right now.

Ok then, I'm done for tonight because I'm unable

School sucks. I'm less than 6 weeks away from turning 19 years old. I've been in school/having trouble with school for 13, 14 years. I hate it. I wish, I want so horribly much to be done with school. No school. And now in 2 weeks I'm taking my GED test. Oh God, why am I doing it? WHY? I don't want it. The thought of it makes me cry. Really cry. I don't want more school! I don't want to take a 9 and a half hour test spread out over two days. I don't want to ever have to worry about grades or tests or anything. God I hate it, oh I hate it so much. I don't care about graduating. I hear about friends going to college, finishing high school, knowing what the hell they're doing. Part of me gets jealous. But a bigger part is saying Why? Its not my thing. Its not what I want. I don't know why its not what I want. Yet, I'm still planning on taking that stupid horrible fucking test.

Because I'm tired of trying to make

"I haven't graduated yet"

"No, I don't know what I want yet"

"Oh, I'm not in school right now"

those and more, I'm so tired of trying to make my life sound better for everyone else.

It hurts. It sucks. Its so fucking hard.

There's so much pressure. So much pressure.

What if I'm not ready? What if I'm never ready?

This isn't me being lazy no matter what anyone thinks. I just hate school, I hate it, it scares me. In my mind its not worth it.

So why am I going to make myself miserable on September 21st and 22nd? And I guess for a long long time because the next step is that I'll be going to college for something.

I'm tired of the questions. I'm tired of the reproval. I'm tired of the looks. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible, worthless, stupid person.

How much more can I take?

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel smart enough. I don't have anything to believe in.

I'm doing this because I can't take everyone else anymore.

I'm sitting here typing this and there are tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping off my face.

School made me suicidal in the past. I'm already starting to feel like maybe its better off that I should not be alive because I can't do it right and I can't please them and I hate it so much. I can't live up to their expectations and it just makes me want to die.

I want it to be over.

I want it stop.

And because its not going to be over and I can't make it stop, I want to make me stop. I want to make me be over.

God help me, I am sinking again and I want to let myself drown.

I'd like to disown my pets. All of them actually.

I don't usually consider myself to be squeamish but with pets, yes. Very grossed out.

Cats: litterboxs, hair balls, hair EVERYWHERE, etc. Its disgusting and it makes me really wish I could get out of it. I'm not the little kid who wants a pet then doesn't want to take care of it, its just sooo gross! Dogs, same thing. Although, Maggie doesn't shed. But trust me, dogs are still disgusting.

I love them. I love them very very much, but I seriously doubt there will be pets in my house when I'm grown up because for a big part of it, the mom does end up taking care of them. No thank you.

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I've figured out my life still holds drama even if its just the last remnants of some past drama. The one on my mind is sad. Losing a friend over something that stupid, that I tried to stop from happening is really heartbreaking. I so often have something I want to text and have to stop myself because I know it will only hurt more when I'm cruelly rejected. I tried it. That's how I know.

Alot of people have a former friend in their phone that every now and then they want to call or text and sometimes you type out a text or their number and stand there with your finger hovered over the send button wrestling with your feelings.

Do I do it?

Why do I want to?

What will happen?

Is this a bad idea?

Why does it have to be this way?

How much will it hurt to be rejected this time?

Is it worth it?

Half the time you press end before your heart gets the better of your gut instinct. That's a situation where you should NOT follow your heart. Because you only bring fresh heartache to a hurt that was starting to heal or at least starting to feel less painful.

I did not follow my gut this past week. Nope, it was a special day and I so very much wanted to say something about it.

Rejected. Brutally.

In my head I was thinking you knew this might and very likely would happen. Why did you do it?

Answers: Because I was praying it wouldn't happen.

Losing a friend is a horrible thing. Finding out later that friend had done horrible things makes it worse when its possible it should give you a feeling of relief that it DID end. Chances are, no it didn't make you feel any better. Probably made you feel worse.

I keep thinking that I do know better.

I do. I've been told I'm a masochist, a glutton for pain, I walk towards heartache. To some extent that's true. I reach out. I never don't reach out even if I know I risk being hurt. I'm a person who would rather someone else be happy or someone else know I care and be hurt.

I'm self sacrificing. I've been scolded multiple times by multiple people (usually its Mia) that this is wrong, this is bad and I need to stop.

Its not easy. Usually I don't even think about it, I just do it. I don't know how long this will be my pattern and I don't even know how to change it.

Something to think about.

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Today's happenings:

• Mumma went out to lunch with her friend Mary, to a place called Life Alive or something like that in Lowell. I don't know what time she left but she's been gone since at least 12 and isn't supposed to be home until 2:30. Now, I ask you, how can you spend that much time in a restaurant? I can only hope they won't be there the whole time. I know how much servers hate customers hanging out and taking up one of their tables for who knows how long. And the people who stay longer than 20 minutes after having finished eating? Oh that server wishes s/he could kick them out. Rambling! and I'm not even done. I'll do a footnote lol.
• Sophie is going to Becki's house (of course) with Meghan and Rachel (who is already there) and probably Ryan because they don't go anywhere without him.
• And Gracie is up at the O'brien's house with Kyle.
• Me, well I'm going to act like a normal human being today. I'm hoping it will make me feel better. I've got this panicky, melancholy feeling. Not on edge but very fragile. I'm hypersensitive about offending people and just all out panicked. I'm not even sure why.

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Here's a secret. Sorta. I don't speak Italian. Not alot of it anyway. But its my very favorite language and I'm teaching myself. First off, the http://dictionary.reference.com/translate website is a gift. I can type in what I want and have it put into Italian and then I can use it, and learn it! Its awesome. Plus, I read. One of my favorite series of books ever has a woman not much older than me, who is Italian. She's so much like me. Or I'm so much like her. Either/or.

She's fiery, passionate, vocal, loud, talks with her hands, throws things, is known to kick boys in the shins. I have been known for that too. She's also quiet and gentle, holds certain things like treasures and when she loves, she loves no matter what. She loves God. I read the books and always pictures myself doing that too in some situation. Physical characteristics too.

I admire her very much. The author is Kristen Heitzman and the series is Diamond of the Rockies. Its wonderful. One of those things you can read over and over without ever getting tired of it.

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I need to get a life. I know thats the core reason I feel so down lately. Its hard to deal with. The feelings and the fact its not easy to get a life. It keeps grating on my mind that I would've hard a car in less than a month if I still had a job.

How am I getting a job?

Where?

How long to save for my part of a car?

When can I get my license (Mom????)?

What am I doing about school?

Am I getting my GED?

Are me and my mom too damn floaty to pay attention to how much time goes by?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Soon? When is that?

I don't know.

Doesn't look like it.

Yes we are.

That's enough for right now. I'll post later I'm sure.