My life is crazy-ish right now. It's been wayyy too long since I've been on here which is entirely my fault, one because I've had a brain block and had no words come to my mind, two, becasue I was stalling and procrastinating on my housework that I had to do before being allowed to place my fingers on a keyboard for any reason whatsoever, and three, my mood was too messed up, which definitely made words hard to come by.

But here I am and I have things to tell thank goodness.

• So as of September 14th, I am back on an anti-depressant. I haven't been on one since April which is amazing. Until April, I had been on an anti-depressant of some kind since I was 13. I was so happy to be one less medication, and even more so that it was the anti-depressant. But by this time, I know my body, I know my feelings and I know when something needs to change. So when I started feeling very depressed and that feeling "there's no way out", and when being awake sucks and being asleep sucks, that something's gotta give. I knew I needed to go back on an anti-depressant no matter how much I didn't want to. Now, I would never ever EVER attempt to commit suicide. One, I could never hurt my family that much. Under no circumstances would that be worth the pain they would feel. Two, I know what the Bible says about suicide and I'm not interested in losing my salvation. Three, that's so dramatic. I mean seriously. I'm currently taking 10 milligrams of Lexapro (I've been on this one before) a day, but I think the dosage is being bumped up to 15 milligrams. I feel alot better on it.
• I'm applying for jobs! I applied to Chunky's in Pelham and Pac Sun and DEB in the mall. The manager at Pac Sun, Kim, looked over my application right when I handed it in, said she would DEFINITELY call me and if she doesn't call me by this Friday at 5 p.m. that she wants me to call her at the store. I got a 5 minute mini job interview right there. It felt really good. I hope I get the job.
• Sophie and I got our new cell phones for our birthdays! Sophie chose the blue EnV 3 and I chose the red EnV 3. Daddy also let us each pick a case from the kiosk in the mall too. It was alot of fun. Mum told me after that I am "very technology savvy". Which is true, I know alot about things, and especially cell phones because I didn't want ANY trouble with them and the purchasing, etc. I knew more then Dad did, which was hard becasue he was the one in charge and I couldn't always get a word in edgewise. He's a big talker. That was a really great night, getting our new phones, which we both adore. I discovered oour phones can have cell phone charms, a feature the first EnV lacked and that I'd wanted. So I started making charms out of earring pendants, necklace pendants, charm bracelet charms, anything that I liked and wasn't tacky. Which is how alot of the charms you can buy in a store are. Tacky.
• I'm driving alot, as much as I possibly can. I hope I can go for my license soon. I need to study the book more. I hate studying. I'm awful at it. I also want to nail my parking skills and tone down my slightly cocky driving air because I know the driving instructing people look for a cautious driver. So I'm trying to learn that. I think it's called modesty and humility. My grandmother told me yesterday she thinks women in general are just not good at parking. Which of course, made me even more determined to be the best parker I can possibly be.
• I want to get my GED. I'm just not ready yet. I know that I want to go to school for journalism and auto mechanics, but if I don't have my GED I know I can't go to school. I'm going to start studying that stupid book with Mum, and hopefully Kevin too. He's getting his GED too.
• Kevin... Kevin is the boy I'm dating right now. I like him =) He's a very sweet boy. He's 19, he's 5 months older then me, and he's pretty crazy about me. I think it's going to work out. I know we're taking it slow. And I really truly mean slow this time. I've failed with slow in my past relationships, and if Kevin and I are right and this is going to turn into a relationship, we want it to be right. So we're taking it slow. Our dates have been going to Denny's, out to eat and a PHS football game, we watch House at my house (which we're going to do today!), he took me to do my errands last week, we saw the Invention of Lying (GREAT movie, filmed in my hometown, Lowell, MA in the spring of 2008!! And I'm one of the um... one people that know that, from what I've experienced) on Saturday...I'm really having a lot of fun with him. I really do like him and he is a gentleman which I'm including here for my mom and Mia's benefit.
• I'm really close with Matt =) He's one of my best friends, really truly. I want to be 90 and 92 (I'm older) and in an old peoples home together. He's the best. I can and do, talk with him all day long. I have so many memorable quotes and conversations, in my phone, e-mailed to me, on facebook... I love that guy.

Day One - 08/30/09

12:37 pm

So I'm in Orlando, on the Disney Resort Magical Express shuttle/bus service. I'm very tired and hungry. This bus has adjustable foot rests though. My 5 foot tall body is very thankful. My feet are dangling a good six inches off the floor otherwise. I'll have pics up on Facebook when we get home I think. Lots of stops, but ours is next, All-Star Music Resort!

10:23 pm

Long day. Long day. I was very stressed out towards the end, I took off my rings to apply sunblock and when I went to put them back on, my wedding ring from Mia was gone. I was in the food court at that point so I went back up to the suite and searches. Then called my mum in tears because that was just the last straw. I was mentally, physically, emotionally unable to handle anything else especially losing my wedding band. I was sitting on my chair-soon-to-be-pulled-out-bed-evil-army-cot waiting for her to get up there because she was coming for Sophie's sunglasses. I go to put my other rings back on. My wedding ring was stuck inside my spoon ring. I burst into tears all over again. The family went out to MGM, and I stayed there at the suite resting. I was just done. Could. Not. Cope. Now its 10:30 and I've got a double cheeseburger and a milkshake and I'm about to go to sleep and wake up at 7 am so we can be at the Magic Kingdom when it opens at 9.

This is what I forgot to post about and even wrote a post to myself not to forget and I still forgot.
You can see how my brain functions. In waves. One minute I'm up the next I'm down. Another metaphor is a roller coaster. I've known that I have this fear and that it is somewhat crippling, but sometimes you don't realize how serious it is, or how much you really fear it until something happens or some little tiny thing in your head clicks and it’s like "WHOA". I'd say mine was the click.

I'm scared of the dark. Terrified. I've always known I hated it, that I didn't like to be alone in it. For the most part I can't fall asleep with a single crack of light though.

One of the worst is the moon. I'd be happy if the moon never came out because it makes it impossible to sleep.

Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking about the other night but somehow I started to think about how I'm scared of the dark. And my thoughts started journeying back to when I was very young and I remember how terrified I was of the dark then and how not much has changed other than I learned to hide it more and steel myself when I have to go into the dark.

But I hate it. I hate having to going into the dark and grit my teeth all the while my heart is pounding in my chest and I’m struggling to breathe correctly.

I remember being little and having a nightlight. I think we had one in our (Sophie and mine) room and then one outside in the hall. I think that’s what we did.

I remember not being able to fall asleep alot of the time. That was partly due to my fear of the dark and probably partly due to my ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, both undiagnosed at the time. Almost every night one of my parents would sit out in the hall until we fell asleep or they were starting to doze off. I never understood how they were able to fall asleep so easily.

I have memories of my mom falling asleep when she'd be rubbing my back trying to help ME fall asleep and that I'd have to send her to bed. Eventually I stopped asking her to rub my back, for a few reasons. I knew she'd fall asleep and that it wouldn't help me relax.

I don't remember when we stopped using a nightlight. I think it was when I couldn't relax with it on anymore and when I decided I was too old to have one. I know I and Soph had moved into the other room at the front of the house and let baby Grace have the room we'd been in for the last three years. Sometime after switching rooms the nightlight was put away. I don't remember if Gracie ever used one. Probably.

When I was younger, I had nightmares. NO, night terrors. There were about three and they always repeated themselves. I remember them so clearly. I don’t eve know how I would explain them because they don't make any logical sense, but then how does any nightmare or dream make perfect sense all the time?

I remember I'd sometimes wakeup crying. I don't know if I ever woke up screaming. I wouldn't doubt it, but I'll have to see if my mom remembers. She wasn't the easiest person to wake up.

When I needed her at night, like if I woke up, I wouldn't be able to move. If the house ever caught on fire and I was the only one awake I'm not sure if I'd have been able to move because the dark would be the fear that won.

I'd wake up and stay exactly where I was, almost not daring to breathe, but my eyes darting everywhere. I'd lay in bed trying to get the nerve to call for her. If I was eventually able to do that, I'd be unable to make my voice go very high. It was too loud in a dark quiet house and I'd quake every time I had to yell "Mummy!". If she woke up, and came all was well. If she didn't wake up, I'd been in bed hoping and praying I could make myself get up. Usually I forced myself at some point, which adds to the reason I can do that now, because I had to force myself then so now I can force myself now.

I'd get up and race for my parents’ bed. There room was a 4 second walk from our door to theirs but I ran from my bed to theirs in under 6. I was always scared to death.

It’s worse in some ways now because we have pets. Maggie sleeps in her crate, but the two cats wander freely. I can't see them if its dark and I hate walking in the house at night for any reason because I can't turn the lights on or I can't turn them on fast enough for comfort. The lights could be on throughout the whole downstairs but if its late and everyone is asleep I'm scared still.

I figured and remembered all this the other night, Tuesday I believe and I told my mom that day. I asked for nightlights. She found one which makes it a bit easier. But I want them scattered throughout the house. I'm a late night snacker. I get hungry frequently. It's the hardest thing in the world to go downstairs and grab something to eat.

Our girls' bathroom is two, maybe three steps from my door and my heart is pounding by the time I've closed the door behind me. When I open it to go back to my room I'm always scared I'll open it to find a cat because I know I'll jump and make some loud noise either from my voice or just bumping something.

I fell asleep with the nightlight on in my room last night. It was good.

I realized something really sad and also bad. I can't ever move out and live on my own. I would be absolutely petrified. That means I'm stuck living at home until I have a guy or a friend who wants to share a place with me. I can't ever live alone. I dread the idea of it.

I'm not borrowing trouble now, but if my husband dies before me and all our kids are grown and move out I'm going to be moving into a home or something if none of the kids want me in there. Which is fine, I have no problem living in some nice retirement home. I'll still be independent and I won't be alone. I don't mind that. I'd rather not be alone then full of pride and stubbornness about living on my own.

So that’s THAT fear. I looked up the name for that phobia yesterday. Pretty annoying names phobias have and my phobia has FIVE!
Nyctophobia: Fear of the dark or night,
Lygophobia: Fear of being in a dark place,
(And the most annoying)Achluopobia, Myctophobia and Scotophobia: Darkness.
Darkness needs three names apparently. Ridiculousness.

It feels good to be able to figure all this out and at the same time scary because I hate voicing my fears. It makes them real and easier to think about.
It feels good because now people know. My mom knows which makes me feel better.
I've hidden it well. There have been times though that if Sophie has been up late at night like me and I need to go downstairs I'll beg her to come with me. She does, somewhat annoyed. She hasn't ever realized how much the dark scares me but that’s ok. I never wanted it to be obvious.

Ok then. I'm going to maybe write about something else, or shower and pack for Florida. The shower and packing will happen anyway but I don't know if I have anything else to write about :)

-- Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.
-- Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
-- A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down.
-- I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say you're right again
Heed my lecture.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

-- One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming round again.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

"Face Down" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I live by these words.

I'd like to disown my pets. All of them actually.

I don't usually consider myself to be squeamish but with pets, yes. Very grossed out.

Cats: litterboxs, hair balls, hair EVERYWHERE, etc. Its disgusting and it makes me really wish I could get out of it. I'm not the little kid who wants a pet then doesn't want to take care of it, its just sooo gross! Dogs, same thing. Although, Maggie doesn't shed. But trust me, dogs are still disgusting.

I love them. I love them very very much, but I seriously doubt there will be pets in my house when I'm grown up because for a big part of it, the mom does end up taking care of them. No thank you.

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I've figured out my life still holds drama even if its just the last remnants of some past drama. The one on my mind is sad. Losing a friend over something that stupid, that I tried to stop from happening is really heartbreaking. I so often have something I want to text and have to stop myself because I know it will only hurt more when I'm cruelly rejected. I tried it. That's how I know.

Alot of people have a former friend in their phone that every now and then they want to call or text and sometimes you type out a text or their number and stand there with your finger hovered over the send button wrestling with your feelings.

Do I do it?

Why do I want to?

What will happen?

Is this a bad idea?

Why does it have to be this way?

How much will it hurt to be rejected this time?

Is it worth it?

Half the time you press end before your heart gets the better of your gut instinct. That's a situation where you should NOT follow your heart. Because you only bring fresh heartache to a hurt that was starting to heal or at least starting to feel less painful.

I did not follow my gut this past week. Nope, it was a special day and I so very much wanted to say something about it.

Rejected. Brutally.

In my head I was thinking you knew this might and very likely would happen. Why did you do it?

Answers: Because I was praying it wouldn't happen.

Losing a friend is a horrible thing. Finding out later that friend had done horrible things makes it worse when its possible it should give you a feeling of relief that it DID end. Chances are, no it didn't make you feel any better. Probably made you feel worse.

I keep thinking that I do know better.

I do. I've been told I'm a masochist, a glutton for pain, I walk towards heartache. To some extent that's true. I reach out. I never don't reach out even if I know I risk being hurt. I'm a person who would rather someone else be happy or someone else know I care and be hurt.

I'm self sacrificing. I've been scolded multiple times by multiple people (usually its Mia) that this is wrong, this is bad and I need to stop.

Its not easy. Usually I don't even think about it, I just do it. I don't know how long this will be my pattern and I don't even know how to change it.

Something to think about.

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Today's happenings:

• Mumma went out to lunch with her friend Mary, to a place called Life Alive or something like that in Lowell. I don't know what time she left but she's been gone since at least 12 and isn't supposed to be home until 2:30. Now, I ask you, how can you spend that much time in a restaurant? I can only hope they won't be there the whole time. I know how much servers hate customers hanging out and taking up one of their tables for who knows how long. And the people who stay longer than 20 minutes after having finished eating? Oh that server wishes s/he could kick them out. Rambling! and I'm not even done. I'll do a footnote lol.
• Sophie is going to Becki's house (of course) with Meghan and Rachel (who is already there) and probably Ryan because they don't go anywhere without him.
• And Gracie is up at the O'brien's house with Kyle.
• Me, well I'm going to act like a normal human being today. I'm hoping it will make me feel better. I've got this panicky, melancholy feeling. Not on edge but very fragile. I'm hypersensitive about offending people and just all out panicked. I'm not even sure why.

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Here's a secret. Sorta. I don't speak Italian. Not alot of it anyway. But its my very favorite language and I'm teaching myself. First off, the http://dictionary.reference.com/translate website is a gift. I can type in what I want and have it put into Italian and then I can use it, and learn it! Its awesome. Plus, I read. One of my favorite series of books ever has a woman not much older than me, who is Italian. She's so much like me. Or I'm so much like her. Either/or.

She's fiery, passionate, vocal, loud, talks with her hands, throws things, is known to kick boys in the shins. I have been known for that too. She's also quiet and gentle, holds certain things like treasures and when she loves, she loves no matter what. She loves God. I read the books and always pictures myself doing that too in some situation. Physical characteristics too.

I admire her very much. The author is Kristen Heitzman and the series is Diamond of the Rockies. Its wonderful. One of those things you can read over and over without ever getting tired of it.

----------------

I need to get a life. I know thats the core reason I feel so down lately. Its hard to deal with. The feelings and the fact its not easy to get a life. It keeps grating on my mind that I would've hard a car in less than a month if I still had a job.

How am I getting a job?

Where?

How long to save for my part of a car?

When can I get my license (Mom????)?

What am I doing about school?

Am I getting my GED?

Are me and my mom too damn floaty to pay attention to how much time goes by?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Soon? When is that?

I don't know.

Doesn't look like it.

Yes we are.

That's enough for right now. I'll post later I'm sure.

This has not been a pleasant day

I got on the computer to blog. That was 3 and a half hours ago.

Things to blame for the horrible delay:

• photos that I'd emailed to myself and were editing. I tried my hand at Photoshop. That program is complicated. Time consuming.
• facebook. I was having a chat conversation with someone. Very involved.
• Bringing groceries upstairs.
• dealing with family members who kept coming over and distracting me.

It's been a long day and I'm finally getting to blog, just as my mother has requested I get off. Oh well, I'm going to write anyway.

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Its Sunday. I really hate Sundays. If I don't have a church I can go to then Sundays feel pointless, empty and lazy. I don't like any of those "feels".

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Sophie got home from her weekend away with the O'briens in Portsmouth. She had fun.

Gracie has been making eggs because she has this pan and she adores using it.

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I got my nose pierced. Re-pierced. I really like it, I always have. I pierced it when I was 16.

That was a messy, emotional, very angry, angst-y time. I lost my bedroom door for it and couldn't have it back until I took out the piercing. I stuck with that for about 8 months. I figured out various substitutes for a door and it worked out pretty good.

I don't remember what it was that made me decided I wanted my door back. Oh wait, yes I do. I decided I liked the look of not having one again. I let my parents think that I was doing it out of repentance. Nope, I just decided I didn't want it anymore.

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I realized yesterday I am my mother's Ann-with-an-e Shirley. Mabel. Pollyanna (although my outlook is not always as cheerful). I can't remember many other wild female movie or book characters, but I know that I fit all of them. I told this to my mom yesterday.

Here's the story:

I had removed a screen from one of my windows and let it drop to the ground because 1, it was wet and 2, it was too big to pull inside. Well, in about 20 seconds I hear my mother coming up the stairs more quickly then usual and I very quickly close my window and turn the other way on my bed.

She knocks and comes in and says "What are you doing?" in that voice which I know means "Molly I don't know what to do with you, you never cease to do something to catch me off guard and shock me, etc".

I answered that I was taking a picture and the screen was in my way. I asked if she'd been at the computer (where the window below mine is so she would've seen and heard the screen drop).

She had.

She had her usual reaction to my unexpected antics and asked me to go bring the screen inside.

It was raining, so I dashed outside and brought it in. She told me to go hide it in the basement because my dad would freak out if he found out I'd taken it out. The previous times I've taken my screens out, I was running away and leaving through my second story window.

After, I told her that I'd decided I was her Anne and her Mabel and she said "Yes, yes you are!" in her exasperated oh I love you and I don't know what to do with you tone.

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That was yesterday. My nose was also yesterday. She did not notice that which I was expecting because she is not very observant. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone either, I'm just going to let them notice. My dad was the one who noticed. Which figures because he was the one who was so upset over it when I was 16. And the rule was that I had to wait until I was 18 to get anything else pierced because then it would be my decision. He's very prompt to tell me about the consequences and how I'll regret it someday. About everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Its infuriating.

Mum suggested MINUTES after I kept my cool with my dad's little speech that he should take me out driving today because he really hasn't ever gotten the chance. I reacted something like, what the hell, NO. She was going over to the computer with me and I said to her that today was not a good day to go driving with Dad and I had to explain that since he had seen my nose and wasn't happy about it, the driving would consist of him lecturing me while I'm driving. She immediately saw my point. Which is good but annoying because she doesn't realize these things before she suggests them.

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We got the exciting news that we are going to Disney World a week from today. Very pleased about that, I do love love love Disney.

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I'm tired and frankly, stressed out. There's been too much going on today and I feel somewhat picked on. I'm going to my room. Its my hiding place.

What's wrong about that is that I feel the need to hide.

I'm not having the best day. I'm also thinking its probably my fault.

I haven't gotten dressed, or eaten anything intelligently substantial.

I have done nothing but read all day and I know that this makes me depressed. I love to read but for some reason, hours and hours of it makes me depressed, irritable and sad.

I should know better than to do the three things listed above. They usually come like that too. I do all three or two of them. Its not a common thing for me to do only one of those things. Which means there's some underlying cause for my actions that prompts this response.

The depressed irritable feeling showed up about 4:30. I just started feeling very low. I don't even know a good way to describe it.

Mum came upstairs to ask if I wanted anything from Express because they were ordering pizza. I said sure and came downstairs to look at the menu, knowing instinctively my emotions were on edge and I needed to make sure I didn't snap at Mum or Grace. I spent 10 minutes looking at the menu.

Indecisive. That's bad for me. Very very bad. Thats a signal something's wrong. I already knew that though. Usually when I feel depressed thats a giveaway something's wrong. ....I should not be sarcastic on my blog, with potentially only myself.

I chose the chicken plate. I wanted like 5 things which also meant I wanted the mood boost carbs would give me. Phew, at least I know what all these things mean.