Day Five/Home: 09/03/09

1:15 pm

I don't remember what I blogged yesterday. Well the family went to Animal Kingdom and Downtown Disney Shopping village. I stayed at the hotel. I rested, read my books, got food at the caf, packed, and organized all that. They came back; we packed more, settled in for the night. I was horribly awakened at 3:45 am, dozed until 3:54 am when my foot was shaken and I was firmly told to GET UP. Got ready, left the suite at 4:39 am. The Disney Magical Express airport shuttle bus arrived about 4:50-4:55 am. It was NOT magical. Two stops after picking us up, & a 40 minute ride to the airport. The bus played music from some of the rides at the parks. It SUCKED. I was so thankful to own an iPod. We got to the airport about 5:45 & checked our bags. We headed to the restrooms and then to Starbucks. Tazo Tea: Sweetened Shaken Iced Tea Passion Lemonade. And an espresso brownie. I discovered I lost the tie-belt to my favorite sweater while we were at Starbucks. I was so upset, still am. Gracie claimed she saw it in the restroom but didn't realize it was mine (I wonder so often, Where is her head?? But I know I'm like that too and our dad. ADHD/ADD is NOT cool). She ran back to look. She didn't find it sadly, so I went and found the sweetest friendliest most cheerful janitor to ask where the lost and found was. I loved him. His English was not impressive but he was so sweet. Mum and I headed over to the lost and found. They didn't open until 7. I wrote down the number & email. I still have to call them. I'm going to ASAP. We went through security after waiting for the 11-year-old to go to the ladies' AGAIN. We got to our gate and boarded in about 10 minutes. I closed my eyes and had my hands over my face when we went up. I hate flying and I hate heights. I read my book during the flight and it was somewhat enjoyable. The flight that is, my book is great. As soon as the seat belt light clicked on, and the captain told us we were beginning our descent, my stomach nose dived. Nauseous for the rest of the flight. I wasn't ok until I got to baggage claim. We got off the plane and I went down there while everyone else hit the restrooms. I'd gotten three of our bags by the time they got there. We got our bags, Daddy picked up the car, and we went HOME. My nervous-anxiety-OCD kicked in and I was in a mad rush to unpack and organize and clean. Like panic attack, freaking out, I couldn't handle it not being all taken care of. So I did. We were home about 11:15 and I was unpacked by 12:45. And that’s entirely unpacked. Toiletries, clothes, shoes, carry on, everything. I'm folding the laundry now and I have 5 days worth of newspapers to read. It’s so amazing to be home. I'm so tired. I have things to do though. Goodbye Florida. ...Hello my home in New Hampshire.

I messed up this post somehow. Don't know how. Not pleased.

Quick post before I go shower.

• Well, the aforementioned shower
• Throw my laundry in the wash.
• Make myself presentable.
• Go to the Loop to pick up the Sophster
• Go to Target around-ish the Loop. I don't remember its exact location.
• Come home.
• Potentially going to Rocko's tonight for some shows. I don't know yet. Alex Ford needs to give me a heads up on that.
• Either going to the show or not.
• If I am I'll be out lateeee.
• If I'm not, than I might try to go to bed early haha.
• Pack anything else that I can tonight
• Waking up at either 4:30 am or 5 am tomorrow.
• Finish packing entirely. Note: must make a list.
• Leaving home at 6 am.
• At the airport by 6:45-7 am
• Check our bags, go through security, GET BREAKFAST
• Get to our terminal
• Plane is supposed to leave at 8:10
• Plane is supposed to arrive in Florida at 10 or 11 something. I don't remember.

Helllooo Sunshine!!!

I don't know if I missed anything. I hope not. I'm sad because I'll only be able to blog through my phone and that's only 160 characters :( I'll post like that, then consolidate them all when I get home. That will work.

Thank goodness for Twitter and Facebook mobile. I don't know what I do without them.

Love Lives On - Mallary Hope

(My new favorite song)

I reached for you this morning
woke up with empty arms
once again it's sinking in
how far away you are
I still pour two cups of coffee
and tell you all about my dreams
this kitchen's way to quiet
you should still be here with me

And even though I cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
I’m thankful for the time god gave me
even though we couldn't make it last
I’m learning how to live without you
even though I don't want to
and even with you gone love lives on

I still call your mom on Sunday
it's good to hear her voice
she always tells me that same story
about her stubborn little boy
and I kept your favorite t-shirt
you know the one I used to hate
ain't it funny how it's the one thing I
I just can't throw away

And even though I cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
I’m thankful for the time god gave me
even though we couldn't make it last
I’m learning how to live without you
even though I don't want to
and even with you gone love lives on

She comes with me on your birthday
little flowers in her hands
she's always known there's something missing
but to young to understand
and someday she's going to ask me
what kind of man you were
I’ll tell her all the ways I loved you
and all of you I see in her

And even though I cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
I’m thankful for the love god gave me
and she's the perfect way to make it last
learning how to live without you
baby I don't want you to
but even with you gone
love lives on yeah

I reached for you this morning
woke up with empty arms

The new Skillet CD is good. Its called "Awake".

-------------------

My brain is muddled tonight.

I was up until 6 am reading. I fell asleep and woke up when the the set alarm for my vyvanse went off at 9:15, and then at 9:20 to assure I wake up. I remember getting the bottle and opening it and then closing it and drinking from my water bottle.

My mom woke me up at 5 pm. I wasn't interested in getting up. When she woke me up I was thinking it was like 1 pm or something. I looked at my phone, nope 5 pm. Huh thats not cool.

I got up and found my vyvanse pill under my pillow. That explains why I wasn't able to wake up. Even if I am up until 6 am, if I take my vyvanse, I'm still good to go. Apparently when I don't take it, I'm asleep no matter what. Which I remember from past experience but its been a long time since I have experienced it.

I'm going to avoid that again. It literally uses an entire day. In my head it might as well still be Tuesday, or its some unknown unnamed day because I didn't have a day.

That sucks.

-------------------

My living room is run amuck with teenagers. Specifically, Sophie, Meghan, Becki and Ryan. I sooo can't wait for Disney World.

There won't be other people!!! Besides everyone at Disney, but no friends! I'm sorry but I so often wish I could kick people out of my house.

-------------------

So the past three hours I've been awake haven't been bad.

...Although news update, the Red Sox game has been delayed by an injury!! Nooo!

Ahh man. I must go figure out things. Such as food. I'm hungry again. Also packing.

This will be quite a night.

I just cried over a country song. Its a first. I always rebuke Mum for that, but nope my eyes welled up with tears and overflowed. Mallary Hope - Love Lives On.

It was a good day.

I cleaned the kitchen again and the desk in the school room. I'm noticing that kitchen areas I've cleaned out and organizing are slowly being encroached with things that do NOT belong there. The cleaning went well.

I watched TV on the computer while I cleaned out the desk then I went on the computer to do some college research, and other various things.

New Music Tuesday so I checked all that out tonight, I was pretty pleased with my findings. Leeland has a new album out and I'm not a fan of theirs but I like this new CD of theirs, Love on the Move, very much. I downloaded that tonight and discovered this weeks free single is really great.

Its by an artist, Mallary Hope, she's new on the music scene I think. Her song is called Love Lives On and she IS a Country artist (which is even better in my opinion).

Its a beautiful song. A story song, and those are my favorite kinds. They dig deep and pull out the feelings you try and hide. I've watched the YouTube video of it 5 times already and I love it more each time and think wow this is so incredibly REAL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri9ihQsiDQ4

Story songs are real. They tell a story and its not a fairytale, No they're real stories even if the one's singing it aren't telling their own story, its still someones story. That's why I love country. It moves you.

----------------

I'm making a ringtone of "Face Down" right now. I should have thought of it sooner but it slipped my mind.

----------------

I talked to Asa today which is a daily thing for the most part, but today was a day where we weren't unkind at all. Ok, well EARLY today we were both a little peeved, but it wasn't with each other. We just weren't at all sympathetic with each other's peeved-ness. Then he texted me later and he was very sweet.

He texted me: "Guess what band I'm listening to"

Me: "Paramore? Skillet?" (I knew it had to be a band that was specifically significant to us)

Asa: "Our band"

Me: "Dashboard Confessional" (Thinking its either this or Skillet).

Asa: "Skillet. Dashboard Confessional is on my list of "Do Not Ever Listen to Again" music"

We agree on that.

Me: "What song?"

Asa: "It was 'Say Goodbye', now its 'Those Nights'"

We talked a bit more about that CD, Comatose. I told him I was surprised he had it on his iPhone or iPod. I can't listen to a single song on that CD without thinking about him and I know its the same way for him.

He tries to NOT think about me. I finally had to be blunt with him and tell him that he couldn't forget me no matter how much he tried. He wanted to be stubborn and a total jerk. I thought he would win that fight. He came around. I don't know what I did. Or what he decided, but he did, thank you, God.

I can't hold my breath though. Not yet. If he wants to backtrack (again) then I have to be ready to defend this because Minnesota or not, we were working on being friends. I don't care about any 1,703 (he's recalculated three times. I think he's making it further each time on purpose)miles between us. To me he might as well not be gone at all.

I do miss him though and I've told him that. He doesn't like telling me he misses me but I can read between the lines and sometimes I poke him with things until he gets ticked off and says it.

Every time its rained since he's been gone or when its rained in Minnesota, we've texted each other. We met on a night that it rained, and the majority of any time we've seen each other, its rained, been raining, or is raining. It rained...mm the day I took out the screen. Oh that's WHY I was taking out the screen. Because it was raining and I wanted to take pictures to send to him. I was successful and sent him two pictures.

He replied within five minutes: "Damn you"

I asked why,

he replied: "Because I don't want to know what I'm missing".

He loves the rain. It comforts him. Maybe that's why I comfort him so easily. Some part of his head mentally links me to rain.

That's the big link right there, he can't forget me, just because of the rain.

Other links...so many other links. I notice them more now that I know he's so far away. He does too.

He told me one day last week that: "So. Future reference, and don't get ANY ideas. But if, and that's a big IF you ever came to Minnesota, you could stay in my dorm."

Me, naive, confused, asked: "Why? How?"

He said they were co-ed allowed dorms. I laughed so hard and told him he'd better find a girlfriend so he could make use of that benefit.

Eventually I'll fly over and see him. I don't know when, but I will. He moved there. I can't say that I'll see him when he gets out of college. No, he moved there. I keep calling New Hampshire home and he keeps telling me its not his home.

That's the part of my head that can't compute that he's actually gone.

Only when its raining or it hits 12 am do I remember and realize how far away he is. Minnesota is an hour behind New England. So if I'm awake at 12 am, I'll text him and say something along the lines of, "Oh its Wednesday now. OHhh, wait nope not you yet!"

I'm such a brat with him.

Its now 12 am here, so I'll text him in a few minutes with my usual gleeful comment. He doesn't like being an hour behind. Its throwing him off and it gives me an edge. I love it.

----------------

Ahh, I should get offline. This was a good day. The first in about 5 days. I'm praying the good days continue.

----------------

Four days until we leave for Disney World.

----------------

I really wish I could see Sean before we go. I told him if it was over two weeks before we saw each other that would be ok. Not something I wanted, but I could suck it up. Its been 2 weeks and 2 days. Is that horrible I'm keeping count? Its just my mental thing with details.

I don't know that I'll be able to though. Or actually, will he be able to see me, and want to see me. I don't know.

I know that I miss him.

I miss him.

Maybe I'll text him and ask how their show at the Sad Cafe went tonight. Maybe I won't. He says he loves when I talk but I feel like I should just shut up sometimes. And then I hate not talking to him, even when he doesn't reply because I know chances are I'm still evoking a smile with whatever random ridiculous thing I'm saying.

----------------

Ok then, I'm off!

-- Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.
-- Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
-- A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down.
-- I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say you're right again
Heed my lecture.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

-- One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming round again.
-- Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

"Face Down" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I live by these words.

Music...

It keeps me going. It keeps me functioning.

I would not survive as Amish or Mennonite or on a deserted island because I would not have music. Ok, deserted island, it depends. How deserted and what kind of electrical outlets does it have?

My afternoon got better once I found some music to listen to. Browsing through iTunes I discovered Lady Antebellum. A Country band, two guys and one girl. I sat there listening to all the 30 second clips wishing I could buy it. Then I remembered our amazing program. DVDVideoSoft Free Studio. You can choose from all different applications, and it all comes from YouTube. You find the song (I have the song app.), copy the URL, click the paste button in your download box and presto! The only thing is you want to make sure you get a good version of the song. Look for the official music videos or videos that say "with lyrics". Those are the best quality. I love this program. You can download it at http://www.dvdvideosoft.com/ Its pretty bomb.

So I downloaded the whole Lady Antebellum album and I am enjoying it. I've also been making new ringtones this afternoon. This is another cool website. It is http://www.phonezoo.com and what you do is you create and account with your phone number and all that, and you can send ringtones that are already on the PhoneZoo or you can make your own from songs you already have on your computer (that's where YouTube comes in again. You can't use protected files off iTunes so you need the MP3 version of the song). You can do it with pictures, ringtones, etc.

I've been downloading songs and making ringtones for over an hour. Not gonna lie, I am pretty freaking cold. I'm finally all done though, I just wanted to finish up this post because I started it and then I left it to finish with the music. My last ringtone for the night is: Theory of a Dead Man "Not Meant to Be". Check it out :)