One big question mark

Now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I could read, I have plenty to read, but I feel so restless. I want to GO somewhere and do something. I want to go out in my car. But how can I just drive with no destination? And no one to keep me company either. That's....lonely. I'm tired of being lonely.

I said to my mum today that I'm emotionally unattainable. And it's true, I think I am unavailable right now. That part of me, that piece of my heart that's for friendship, trust, love, human bonds and connections, it feels, I feel like it's been spun around in a hundred circles wrapped in plastic wrap or cotton batting, something that gets thicker with every spin and it gets harder and harder to see through it. Each layer of that shell is from some hurt, caused by someone whose bond with me was wounded or severed, or caused by me, possibly out of fear that I would be hurt and wanted to prevent it.
But now, I got past the "run away" feeling that tormented me for so long and now I don't run. I don't run, but now I feel like I may have let myself shut down. I wouldn't run anymore, but I'd shutdown. My new wall to break down.

For me, everything revolves around trust. It's been my problem for so long. I probably question it too much. Should I trust you? How much can I trust you with? I can trust you right?
Do I put too much trust and too much faith into people? Do I not give them enough credit? And how, oh how, do I always seem to choose one of those two and decide it with the wrong person? How do I trust the wrong people and not give credit to the ones I should trust?
How have I let myself want to be wanted, need to be needed so much that I don't see anything clearly?
I don't know how to tell if someone is really a wolf or really a lamb. I'm not blessed with the Gibbs' gut. I wish I was.

If I don't trust and don't share myself, I'm safe. Protected. But I long so much for the bond, the companionship, the intimacy I seem to find myself trusting and for me, whether it's a friendship or a deeper relationship, I don't let go. I fully trust. I never see that it might someday end for one reason or another. I have faith.
How can my faith in people and my willingness to trust be just as much a weakness as it is a strength? How do I learn wisdom?
I see with the heart of Jesus. I see good, I see beauty. I see hope. Yet I still have to protect myself from the treachery and anger of the world and I don't seem to know how.

Everything is just one big question mark to me. It's huge, it's black, and I can't figure out the answer.
I don't have the key to unlock the answers, to unlock myself.

I am human and it's human to want the answer and to want to fix it all. I'm wise enough to know that humans should not know everything (if we did we would not need God) and that we can't fix it all (again, we wouldn't need God if we could).
But I still want to fix me. I want my answers. I want to grow and I want to survive, I want to triumph and flourish.

God, you've gotta show me the way. Give me a light to follow, show me where the next foothold is. You're guiding me, you've set me on this path, help me to not fall. Please show me that there is a light at the end of my tunnel.