I am officially alone again. I can't pinpoint the last time I could truly say I was alone, but I am definitely there.
I got a new number Sunday. But that really doesn't matter. The people who I didn't give it to, the people who once upon a time made me not alone are now the people who have left me alone. Again. And this time I can't take it. Tonight, today, this week, I am broken. I am dark and twisty inside.

It's one of the dark times, the darkest ones when absolutely nothing can breaks through. It all feels impossible. And all I want is for it to end. I just want to escape from my head. That's all I want.

Some people can toss a bag in their and drive away from their problems. Mine can't be left behind. That's what happens when it isn't a past or a history that is the main reason for running. It's what's inside you. It's unfix-able. Broken. There is only One who can fix what is broken and I know, I know He has a reason for having made me this way, He has a purpose, and a plan and dreams for me. It's just this part. The struggle through the pain. The overwhelming, all consuming agony that I cannot escape. Sometimes I have to wrap my arms around myself because I feel like I'll shatter into pieces. I'm holding myself together.

It's just been such a week. I can't even figure it out. I know what the underlying thing is that just culminated into everything else making me melt. I can't talk about that right now though.

Anyway. The dam broke today and the floodgates have not closed yet and the cast iron box has not yet been repaired. I hate when it breaks. I need to not be this way. I need to be okay. Why can't I be okay?

God? WHY can't I be okay? Why can't it be over yet? I'm Job. I don't get it Lord, I do NOT understand why I have to go through this. I don't understand and I just want it to end. It's so so hard. This is the sorrow where a person doesn't wipe the tears away because they're still falling. They just fall. They don't stop.
Jesus. Only You know why I'm created this way. Only You know the reason for my suffering. And I know some might think me ungrateful and I might agree, my town certainly isn't underwater right now, my family life, my surroundings are not a wreck. But it's me. You know it's me, You made me and I trust You. I don't have a choice in the matter. You are God, Almighty, the One and the Only, Alpha and Omega.
But Jesus, You know how I hurt. You  know the burden inside. Usually I'm in control and all this is locked up tight and so I'm not consumed by the pain. My locked safe does get cracked though and each time I think, "I can't do this again. I can't survive this. I can't go on like this. It has to end. I have to escape". But the only escape is You and You feel so far away sometimes. It's certainly not like You're making it go away or anything awesome like that.

How do I get through this?! How do I face this again and again and again, and over and over and over? How do I keep going? How have I made it this far? Oh Lord, it feels too far. It feels impossible to go anymore. I just want to lay down and I want it to end. Only You can end it. I don't have that power.

I am Yours. I am in Your hands, I am in Your control. I breathed when You told me to and I will continue to breathe, even though I want so badly not to, so badly, I will continue to breathe until You tell me to stop. Frankly, sooner rather than later would be nice in my opinion. But I know my opinion is just that, my opinion and if you want me to live to 120 I'm gonna live to 120.



I don't have a way out. I don't. And to be honest, that is sometimes the worst part. A weight, so crushing.

This horror can be locked up and hidden from sight. But still, in everything, I know it's there. I know I can't escape.

I just know how much I want to.