So my current mood makes me really really not want to write, but I'm sitting here watching the season finale of season one of Glee and in the adjacent screen and a very blank post screen that I'm supposed to have written a very long paragraph or two or three.
It's Friday. Friday has actually become my least favorite day of the week. Which is pretty sad since people don't say TGIF for nothing. There's even the restaurant, T.G.I. Friday's. Yeah well Friday is my least favorite. Mostly. Sunday might fit in somewhere. The reason? Well it's sad and pathetic-feeling at least right now, since my mood is just so incredible trashed. It's one of the days I don't get to see Matt. Yeah, waves of pathetic-ness are rolling over me. And I don't even think it's entirely that I'm upset I'm not seeing him, because Sunday and Monday are the same thing, I don't see him because he has work and/or school. No, Friday's suck because it's the standing day he hangs out with my best friend (and she is also his, which makes me feel even worse). Who for various reasons I can't name. Which is the part that actually hurts me the most.
*(Side note: I am really messed up tonight. Really bad. I've been crying and so now all these fucking stupid hurt feelings just want to come out and I don't know what to do other than write.)*
So Fridays suck because he gets to see my best friend and I miss her. And I can't say this to her. She gets uncomfortable around people when they get emotional. And I can't take the chance that she'd think I was being irrational or anything. So I usually just try to forget about Friday's. It just sucks. I haven't seen her in 2 months. Seriously two months. And she and Matt have their standing Friday hang out night. And I would never ever ask to come or anything, I wouldn't even give a hint that I'd want to because I feel so guilty that I feel this way. Like what is wrong with me? I don't know. I just miss her. So much. Matt is amazing. Sophie is my sister. And I can talk to both of them about stuff. But sometimes I just need my best friend to talk to and she's never there.
I feel stupid that everything that happened earlier tonight has led me to writing this. Usually, I stuff it all inside. It's just when one thing cracks my carefully built wall, sometimes everything comes out.
I honestly have this instinct to just delete this post because Matt reads my blog. And yeah, I won't because I wrote this because I needed to and I can't censor myself but that doesn't erase the feeling I have that I'm so stupid for feeling this way and that I have to stuff it all back inside. But at this point tonight I can't. I was already crying earlier. And now I'm sitting here typing this out, with the hood of my sweatshirt up so no one walking by in my house notices the tears rolling down my face because I can't make them stop. Sometimes I wish I could tell Matt to just not text me about what's going on when it's Friday and he's out with her, because it just hurts too much to know. It really really hurts and that makes me feel awful because I feel so irrational and like a horrible person for feeling like that.

I miss my best friend. And I'm jealous of Matt getting to see her and I'm jealous of her getting to see Matt and I feel like a horrible person. And I could never ever bring myself to say this to either of them.