School sucks. I'm less than 6 weeks away from turning 19 years old. I've been in school/having trouble with school for 13, 14 years. I hate it. I wish, I want so horribly much to be done with school. No school. And now in 2 weeks I'm taking my GED test. Oh God, why am I doing it? WHY? I don't want it. The thought of it makes me cry. Really cry. I don't want more school! I don't want to take a 9 and a half hour test spread out over two days. I don't want to ever have to worry about grades or tests or anything. God I hate it, oh I hate it so much. I don't care about graduating. I hear about friends going to college, finishing high school, knowing what the hell they're doing. Part of me gets jealous. But a bigger part is saying Why? Its not my thing. Its not what I want. I don't know why its not what I want. Yet, I'm still planning on taking that stupid horrible fucking test.

Because I'm tired of trying to make

"I haven't graduated yet"

"No, I don't know what I want yet"

"Oh, I'm not in school right now"

those and more, I'm so tired of trying to make my life sound better for everyone else.

It hurts. It sucks. Its so fucking hard.

There's so much pressure. So much pressure.

What if I'm not ready? What if I'm never ready?

This isn't me being lazy no matter what anyone thinks. I just hate school, I hate it, it scares me. In my mind its not worth it.

So why am I going to make myself miserable on September 21st and 22nd? And I guess for a long long time because the next step is that I'll be going to college for something.

I'm tired of the questions. I'm tired of the reproval. I'm tired of the looks. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible, worthless, stupid person.

How much more can I take?

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel smart enough. I don't have anything to believe in.

I'm doing this because I can't take everyone else anymore.

I'm sitting here typing this and there are tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping off my face.

School made me suicidal in the past. I'm already starting to feel like maybe its better off that I should not be alive because I can't do it right and I can't please them and I hate it so much. I can't live up to their expectations and it just makes me want to die.

I want it to be over.

I want it stop.

And because its not going to be over and I can't make it stop, I want to make me stop. I want to make me be over.

God help me, I am sinking again and I want to let myself drown.