It was very clear to me how badly missing my medications Monday night effected me though. I felt funny all day. I was horribly shaky and uncoordinated and my thoughts and speech were very hard to collect. My stomach felt off. It felt like when I forget to eat and I get the hypoglycemic weakness, but that eating wasn't the cure. I was very tired. And last night at home in bed, my mood was pretty downhill. I had trouble fall asleep. Racing, jumpy thoughts. Last night was the first night of the higher dose of Elavil. I started on 25 mg.'s a day, and have increased by 25 every two weeks, so last night I started taking 75 mg.'s of Elavil. I read some of my Bipolar Disorder for Dummies book which really didn't do anything to boost my mood, but it made swallowing my meds a little easier. Sometimes I have those moments where I just want to say forget it, I'm tired of taking pills to keep me on a more even keel. But I had read to the part of the book where it reinforces the need to be regular with (any of the prescribed) medications. Two other important things it reinforced for me was that accepting the disease is the first step to getting better and "living la vida bipolar". The second thing was the part where it says how I am not the disease. It's hard to hear people say that I am Bipolar, when that replaces me with the disease. Nobody says that someone with cancer IS cancer. Nope, that doesn't happen.
One thing I struggle with greatly and daily is the worry of people finding out that I have Bipolar Disorder (among other things) because the way most people see me is on an even keel with my emotions. It's easy for a person to dismiss that or not believe me. That happened so much when I went to Pelham High. And that seemed to install the fear that I have now. It was so hard to go through all the testing (TWICE!) for learning disorders and all that stuff, for my IEP, when both times in the summaries the testers wrote up labeled me as Bipolar NOS. Bipolar Not Otherwise Specified. Meaning they didn't see bipolar symptoms in me and therefore couldn't put it in their reports that I have it. That was so so hard to take. It definitely contributed to my giving up entirely.
I was thinking last night that a huge contributing factor to the reason I panic over school, the GED, life in general, is the fact that I feel like the Bipolar disorder (and the other ones that I have), weigh me down. Like they take all my energy, all my focus, I feel like they destroy me so to speak. I'm not sure if I am phrasing it the way I want. They cause me so much unease and trouble that I feel hopeless when it comes to achieving anything in life. I don't feel capable, I don't feel good enough. That still isn't quite right but unfortunately, I couldn't write all about it last night when it was fresh in my mind.
I also had a horrible moment where I thought I would rather have any physical impairment that mental illness. It was a very brief pity party because I halted my thoughts, thinking to myself, so you would rather have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life? No I wouldn't. But I do still struggle with the overpowering desire to not be me, to be all better. Sigh. Another subject that brings that lump to my throat. I'm pretty darn tired of crying. It's just happening so much lately. I feel the bipolar disorder symptoms more powerfully of late than usual and I think I can mostly contribute that to the holidays. Mostly. There are so many other factors of course.
I read in the book last night about the mixed mania states (depression and mania) and I think that is what I go through the most. I haven't had a manic episode where my mood was overly good, "high", but I have definitely had depressive episodes and the irritable side of bipolar disorder.
Yeah, sometimes, all the time, I struggle with the fact that I am me and there is no escape.