It is snowing outside. I dislike this intensely. It's too cold. I hate winter.
Now to explain about Friday.
Grandy and I were going shopping for things to finish my quilt and Christmas presents for people :) When I turned 18 last year she had forgotten to buy me a lottery ticket which is what she means to do when all five granddaughters turn 18 I believe. Anyway, she had forgotten, so Friday afternoon when we were on our way to our first errand of Wal-Mart, she gave me five Holiday Cash lottery tickets. It was great fun to scratch them and see if I was a winner. And unbelievably enough, I was! On the first ticket I won one dollar. On the second I won four dollars. On the third I won forty dollars. On the fourth ticket I won one more dollar and the fifth was a dud. She was amazed that I won anything much less forty-six dollars on four tickets. And I know the odds and that doesn't usually happen but I was very pleased because it meant I could finish my Christmas shopping and put some money into my hair fund.
The reason I was so messed up Friday night to begin with though was that she wanted to talk about school. I've gotten to the point where I can't handle that subject anymore and bluntly tell people, I'm a drop-out and I'm not going back, end of story. It feels like so much pressure to have to try and explain why I feel the way I feel and what I'm doing in the meantime and oh it's just awful. I always get this feeling of wanting to run. Literally turn and run. And then the feeling that I'm going to cry comes too and the angry feeling too. I snapped at her accidentally. I used my reply and apparently my voice was too firm for my grandmother. She keeps telling me how she's going to be 70 next year. Well, I am not going to let that excuse bully me into doing something I can't seem to do. I can't do it. I don't know why. All I know is that I freak out when any type of school work comes my way. I can't help Grace with her 6Th grade level homework. I panic-attack and get angry and upset. And probably cry. I can't do it. My grandmother said that she just didn't want to die without seeing me with something to fall back on, meaning my GED. I tried to explain it to her but it didn't work. It won't work. I won't be nagged, begged, asked, threatened, etcetera into getting my GED. I don't want to do it for myself and I don't want to do it for anyone else either. Anyway, she got upset, I got upset and while we had made up by the time she said goodbye at my house, I was messed up for the night. It was a bad night.
I turned my phone off for several hours. I blogged, went on facebook, just tried to calm down. And I failed at that for the most part. I was okay by the time I went to bed, but everyday, that subject is off-limits. Even just writing about it here puts a lump in my throat and I have to work at not crying.
Today Mum asked me if I thought I should see a counselor, because of my fear of school and what not. I said fine I will, mostly because I wanted her to stop talking about it and partly because I don't care anymore. I've been asked about it so many times that each time it makes me care even less about it. It's just so much. I'm not the little girl who wanted to do anything to please people and make them proud. I'm not her anymore. I'm not.
This is hugely depressing. The lump in my throat feels dreadful.
I'm going to go find some food and see if my dad has finished with the newspaper. I don't want to feel this way.